THOSE WHO DON'T LEARN FROM THEIR MEDICAL HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT.

We don't know too much about the diseases that run in our family - though we're pretty sure our mother has all of 'em. The sound advice here, to discuss your family history around the family Thanksgiving table and make a record of it, could save your kids lives one day. And while it might sound a bit morbid, just consider the conversation you'd be having otherwise. ("No, Mom, it's a BLOG. It's just something I do on the computer and then it goes onto the Internet. Sure, anyone can find it. They can just enter my name in Google. No, that SHOULDN'T be a crime. I WANT people to find it. Ah, screw it - what killed your mother?")

"DOGS ARE THE NEW CHILDREN." THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE JUST LIKE DOGS, WHEN CHILDREN BREAK THEIR LEGS, THEIR PEDIATRICIANS CALL THEIR OWNERS AND ASK IF THEY'D RATHER SHELL OUT $500 OR HAVE THEM PUT TO SLEEP. SAME THING.

OK, here's our confession: FD is not a pet person. So you can understand our lack of enthusiasm over the impending arrival of New York Dog at our local magazine stand.

"Dogs are the new children, so we've created a parenting magazine," said John Ryan, the publisher of the bimonthly full-color magazine, which premiered in October. "We deal with diet, health, therapy, fashion — even obituaries."

Whatever, John. Dogs are the new children and New York Dog will soon be your old magazine.

HELP YOURSELF

Dateline goes undercover to find health violations in America's school cafeterias. And, wouldn't you know it, everywhere they look, they find serious health issues - but apparently no sick kids. The link is to an overlong article, but fortunately Dateline delivers the money line right up top:

Chris Hansen :"You know, kids aren't falling over sick every day in America's schools. Is this really that big of a problem?"

Prof. Jennifer Berg: "Now, people say that all the time. But that's-- that's Russian roulette with kids' health and their lives."

In my remake of "Deer Hunter," Chris Walken will sit behind a plate of six chicken patty sandwiches. Which one wasn't cooked to the prescribed temperature, becoming a petri dish for bacterial growth? I've got a $%^&* game for you. . .

WOW. GROWING UP, THE ONLY STICKERS ON OUR TEXTBOOKS SAID "AEROSMITH"

A suburban Atlanta school system adds stickers to textbooks reminding kids that evolution is "a theory, not a fact." Local students respond, "Listen, just tell us if this is going to be on the test."

PLEASE, WON'T YOU TAKE JUST A MOMENT TO WRITE A CHECK TO HELP ERADICATE MICHIGAN J. FROG SYNDROME. EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS.

Small Fellow and Tiny Girl had rare simultaneous attacks of dreaded Michigan J. Frog Syndrome the other day. Our friends from Chicago had come all the way to the East Coast to see the little ones live up to their reputations as promising singers, dancers, and raconteurs. Instead, like Warner Brothers' famous frog, they simply rolled around on the floor, occasionally producing a grunt or a giggle. And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as our company left, the kids played a game of championship Scrabble, produced a new translation of "Gilgamesh," and staged a flawless reading of Dylan Thomas' "Under Milkwood."

November 10, 2004 | Permalink | Subscribe to RSS

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