MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

ÒWHERE ITÕS FUN TO FIND OUTÓ

 

 

written by

Gary Drevitch

 

                                                                                      

                                                             

 

Copyright (c) Gary Drevitch. All rights reserved.

 

 


MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

ÒWhere ItÕs Fun to Find OutÓ

TEASER

 

FADE IN:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

 

MALCOLM SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA AS CAROLINE SIMULTANEOUSLY ADDRESSES THE CLASS.

 

 

                               MALCOLM

               ItÕs the last day of school. The last day of being a Krelboyne until September. After              today, I can finally be a normal kid again --            at least for 10 weeks.

 

                               CAROLINE

               -- a summer which I know all of you will find fulfilling, especially those of you whoÕll be             spending it inside our local laboratories, as               junior researchers, or as junior research                subjects --

 

                               MALCOLM

(to camera)

-- Francis will be home this weekend. Maybe
Mom wonÕt make him go back to military school in the fall --

 

                               CAROLINE

               -- But, before you go, I have a special treat for you. IÕve arranged with the principal for               our class to have exclusive use of the     gymnasium this afternoon --

 

                               MALCOLM

(to camera)

               -- Yeah, all of this -- the abuse, the   ostracism, the whole Krelboyne scene -- IÕm   already forgetting it all.

 

                               CAROLINE

               -- for our own special game of... Dodge-the-Ball!

 

CLOSE UP ON MALCOLMÕS MOUTH GAPING OPEN.

 

WHEN WE PULL BACK, HEÕS IN THE GYM WITH THE KRELBOYNES IN THE MIDST OF THE LEAST FUNCTIONAL GAME OF DODGE BALL EVER. IN ÒSAVING PRIVATE RYANÓ SLO-MO, WE SEE

 

VARIOUS KRELBOYNES

race in terror to the corners of the gym, as

 

ANOTHER KRELBOYNE

points a slide rule at the ceiling to deduce the best angle for a throw, and

 

A PAIR OF KRELBOYNES

study a dodge ball in a clear vial of water, making notes in a scientific notebook, while

 

OTHER KRELBOYNES

grab the red rubber balls and hurtle them backward over their head, or trip over slowly rolling incoming balls. Amid all this, we see

 

STEVIE

wheel in a circle because a dodge ball has punctured and lodged in one of his wheelchairÕs tires, and

 

ERASERHEAD

ball in hand, get a running start, rear back to throw, then slam the ball right into the ground. It rebounds, whacks him in the face, and he crumples to the floor, grabbing his nose, as

 

CYNTHIA

scoops up the ball that felled Eraserhead and whips it across the floor, where it hits

 

LLOYD

in the gut. He immediately vomits, as

 

DABNEY

runs in such girlish terror that he accidentally kicks a ball off the wall. The ball strikes

 

MALCOLM

hard in the back of head. He falls to the floor, and we see CYNTHIA, the last player standing, launch into a spastic victory dance in the background.

 

                               MALCOLM (to camera)

               OK, it may take a while to forget this.

AND WE. . .

                                              CUT TO:

                                              OPENING CREDITS


                              

                               ACT ONE

 

FADE IN:

INT. WILKERSON HOUSE - SATURDAY MORNING.

 

WE ARE VERY CLOSE on MALCOLMÕS UPSIDE-DOWN FACE.

 

                               MALCOLM

(to camera)

               My mother is a tough and independent woman.   She runs her family her way, no matter what                anyone tells her. But -- She has a weakness.

 

LOIS CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM, CARRYING A COPY OF ÒGOOD PARENTÓ MAGAZINE AND STUDYING IT INTENTLY.

 

                               MALCOLM

(to camera)

               ÒGood ParentÓ magazine. It uses guilt and     pictures of happy, normal families to break               down her resistance. Then it puts all kinds of              crazy ideas in her head, like egg-carton                flowerpots and notes about drug abuse in our lunch bags.

 

                               LOIS

               OK, everyone. WeÕre going to have a family    meeting -- right now.

 

                               MALCOLM

(to camera)

               As far as IÕm concerned, no good has ever come from a copy of ÒGood ParentÓ magazine.

 

                               LOIS

               You know what the problem with this family is?

 

THE TABLEAU BEFORE HER ANSWERS THE QUESTION: FRANCIS, REESE AND MALCOLM ALL SIT ON THE COUCH, FEET IN THE AIR, HEADS ON THE SEAT, IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, VIDEO GAME CONTROLS IN HAND, SURROUNDED BY SPILLED CEREAL AND POTATO CHIPS. DEWEY ROAMS IN FRONT OF THEM, A BOX OF CEREAL COVERING HIS HEAD. REESE NOTICES DEWEY IN HIS LINE OF PLAY.

 

                               REESE

               Dewey, get out of the way!

 

REESE GRABS A SOFA CUSHION AND WHIPS IT AT DEWEYÕS HEAD, DROPPING HIM TO THE FLOOR.

 

                               LOIS (contÕd)

               IÕll tell you whatÕs wrong: We havenÕt had an old-fashioned family day trip in I donÕt know               how long!

 

                               HAL

               No, really. We actually donÕt know. IÕm thinking there was a rodeo, but the details       are fuzzy.

 

                               LOIS

               Well, thatÕs going to change! This summer,    weÕre going to go on a --

 

SHE STEALS A QUICK GLANCE AT THE MAGAZINE.

                               LOIS (contÕd)

               -- broadening family outing, once a week,     starting today.

 

FRANCIS, REESE AND MALCOLM TUMBLE OFF THE COUCH AS ONE, KNOCKING VARIOUS DRINKS AND SNACKS OFF THE COFFEE TABLE.

 

                               FRANCIS

YouÕve got to be kidding. IÕm supposed
to be done with forced marches for the summer!

 

                               LOIS

               I am most definitely NOT kidding. And would   you care to guess where weÕre going this   afternoon?

 

EACH OF THE BOYS GOES WIDE-EYED AND IMAGINES THEIR FANTASY FAMILY TRIP.

 

                               MALCOLM

               The amusement park?

 

WE SEE THE FAMILY, FRESHLY SCRUBBED AND 1950s-STYLE GLEEFUL, CLIMBING INTO A ROLLER COASTER. DEWEY, CEREAL BOX ON HIS HEAD, WALKS INTO A SAFETY BAR AND FALLS BACKWARD ONTO THE PLATFORM.

 

                               REESE

               The air show?

 

WE SEE THE FAMILY AT AN AIR SHOW, ÒOOHÓ-ING AND ÒAHHÓ-ING AS A PLANE CRASHES TO THE TARMAC AND BURSTS INTO FLAMES. CEREAL-BOX-HEAD DEWEY SCRAMBLES FRANTICALLY IN AND OUT OF THE SCENE IN TERROR.

 

                               DEWEY

(through the cereal box)

               The petting zoo?

 

WE SEE THE FAMILY SMILING TOGETHER AT A PETTING ZOO, SURROUNDED BY BUNNIES AND COWS. CEREAL-BOX HEAD DEWEY AMBLES AROUND WITH HIS HANDS OUT, TRYING TO PET SOMETHING.

 

                               FRANCIS

(dreamily)

               Yeah, the petting zoo. . .

 

WE SEE THE BOYS AND HAL AT A STRIP CLUB. A NEON SIGN READING, ÒTHE PETTING ZOO,Ó HANGS OVER THE STAGE. FRANCIS PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND MALCOLM AND REESE AS STRIPPERS CAVORT AROUND THEM. CEREAL-BOX-HEAD DEWEY AMBLES AROUND WITH HIS HANDS OUT, TRYING TO PET SOMETHING.

 

                               HAL

               Wrong, wrong, wrong -- and very, very wrong.

 

                               LOIS

               WeÕre going to the Valley Science Museum --   Òwhere itÕs fun to find out.Ó

 

                               FRANCIS

               Fun to find out what, that the Valley Science Museum sucks?

 

                               LOIS

               It does NOT suck. There are dioramas,    dinosaurs, rare gems --

 

                               HAL

               -- and the admission fee is only suggested!  

 

                               REESE

               Mom, what if we just watch the animal channel

               for a couple of hours?

 

                               HAL

(intrigued)

               Well, now, that would be completely free,     wouldnÕt it?

 

                               LOIS

               No, we cannot just stay here and watch the    animal channel. This is not about learning how       animals have sex --

 

                               HAL

               -- well, not JUST about that --

 

                               LOIS

               -- itÕs about Òcreating happy, lasting   memories of the family unitÓ --

 

                               MALCOLM

               Mom, we HAVE lasting memories --

 

                               LOIS

               -- memories that donÕt involve us all being   detained by security.

 

                               HAL

               Hmm. . . then I guess we canÕt count that     rodeo, either. . .

 

                               FRANCIS

               There is no way IÕm going to the science      museum with you guys. What if someone sees                me?

 

                               LOIS

               Francis, believe me, no one you know has ever been to the Valley Science Museum. If      anyoneÕs going to be embarrassed by being seen           with his family there, itÕs Malcolm.

 

CUT TO MALCOLM TURNING TO THE CAMERA AND MAKING A ÒSEE?Ó GESTURE. WE THEN HEAR A THUMP. FINALLY DEPRIVED OF OXYGEN, DEWEY HAS PASSED OUT.

              

                               LOIS

               Now, would someone please mouth-to-mouth Dewey     and get him in the car? WeÕre leaving in              five      minutes.

              

                                                   CUT TO:


 

INT. VALLEY SCIENCE MUSEUM LOBBY - AFTERNOON

HAL APPROACHES TICKET COUNTER. LOIS AND THE BOYS STAND TO THE SIDE.

 

                               HAL

               Hi, there. IÕll be needing tickets for myself,     my wife, and our four boys.

 

                               TICKET SELLER

(cheerily)

               And how many of the boys are under 12?

 

                               HAL

               Uh . . . three.

 

                               TICKET SELLER

               Very good. Then thatÕll be three adult tickets     at $8.50 each, and three childrenÕs tickets at         five dollars each, for a total of 40 dollars            and 50 cents.

 

                               HAL

               Great, great. But actually, IÕd like to just give you a quarter for all of us, howÕs that?

 

                               TICKET SELLER

               Excuse me?

 

                               HAL

               Suggested admission, right? Pay what you will?

 

                               TICKET SELLER

               Well, yes, but --

 

                               HAL           

               Then, here you are, my good man.

 

HAL HANDS HIM A QUARTER. THE TICKET SELLER GRIMACES, THEN HANDS HAL 6 ADMISSIONS BADGES -- EACH A GIANT BRIGHT ORANGE DINOSAUR.

 

                               TICKET SELLER

(chillier)

O.K... Sir, youÕll all just need to wear these admissions badges on your person -- for as     long as you last -- I mean, stay -- in the museum.

 

                               HAL

               No problem --

              

HE LOOKS AT THE SELLERÕS NAME BADGE

 

                               HAL (contÕd)

               -- Chip.

 

HAL RETURNS TO THE FAMILY, GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

                               HAL

               Suggested admission rules! Here, put these on.

 

EVERYONE PUTS THE BADGES ON AND WALKS THROUGH THE MUSEUMÕS MAIN ARCH. AS THEY PASS, WE SEE CHIP IN THE BACKGROUND, SPEAKING INTO A WALKIE-TALKIE WHILE HE WATCHES THE FAMILY ENTER THE EXHIBIT HALL.

 

 

                                              CUT TO:

 


 

INT. - MAIN EXHIBIT HALL - MOMENTS LATER

 

                               MALCOLM

               Hey, have any of you noticed that everyone    else is wearing blue badges?

 

MALCOLMÕS QUESTION IS IGNORED AS EVERYONE STUDIES THEIR FLOOR PLANS OF THE MUSEUM.

 

                               LOIS

               OK, people, weÕre going to be here for three hours. And the most important thing is that we           all stay together. Now, where do we want to go               first?

 

                               REESE

               Hall of weapons! Hall of weapons! Who knew    there

               would be a Hall of Weapons?

 

                               HAL

               Oooh. . . primitive societies!

 

                               DEWEY

               Where are the bunnies?

 

                               FRANCIS       

               The only bunnies they have here are long dead,     pal. They had their guts pulled out and then       they got stuffed like a car seat. ItÕs cruel,              but thatÕs life in the museum world.

 

                               LOIS

               Thank you very much for putting that nightmare     in his head, Francis. You can change his             sheets tonight. Malcolm, where do you want to           go?

 

                               MALCOLM

               I donÕt know. . . Is there an ancient rock    formation I can crawl under?

 

                               HAL

               OK, primitive societies it is! ThatÕs straight     through this room and then to the right. Now,         remember, weÕre going to stay together, OK, gang?

 

THERE IS NO RESPONSE.

                               HAL (contÕd)

               Gang?

 

SLOWLY, HAL AND LOIS TURN AROUND, ALTHOUGH, BY THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES, WE KNOW WHAT THEYÕLL FIND: EVERYONE HAS SCATTERED.

              

                               LOIS

               Dammit.

 

                               HAL           

               Uh-oh.

 

                               LOIS

               Next time, I swear IÕll drag them around by a tether.

 

                               HAL

               TheyÕll be all right -- probably. And, hey,   weÕve come all this way, why not check out               some

               primitive societies? TheyÕre just over here to

               the right.

 

HAL TAKES HER ARM AND TRIES TO GUIDE HER ALONG. HE IS VISIBLY SWEATING AND SALIVATING.

 

                               LOIS

               Hal! WeÕve got to track them down!

 

                               HAL

               LetÕs be realistic: WhatÕs going to get us    back

               together quicker -- chasing around this giant

               museum looking for the boys, or just waiting for

               security to page us over the PA to pick them up?

 

                               LOIS

               But the whole idea was NOT to end up in the   security office!

 

                               HAL

               Well, thereÕs always next week. Now -- the    cavemen await.

 

HE LEADS HER OFF. SHE LOOKS AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY.

 

                                              CUT TO:


 

INT. HALL OF DINOSAURS

 

MALCOLM HAS ATTACHED HIMSELF TO THE BACK OF A GROUP LED BY A BORSCHT-BELT TOUR GUIDE IN A LOUD PLAID JACKET. HIS BADGE READS: ÒSHECKY.Ó AS HE LAUNCHES INTO HIS ACT, MALCOLM NOTICES A PRETTY BLOND GIRL STRAGGLING BEHIND HER PARENTS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EXHIBIT.

 

                               SHECKY

               HowÕs everybody doinÕ tonight?

 

HE MOTIONS TO THE DINO SKELETONS.

                               SHECKY  (contÕd)

               Better than these guys, right? OK, now, I want     you to make our first specimen feel at home.         HeÕs a dangerous, dangerous guy --

 

MALCOLM HALF-HEARTEDLY FOLLOWS THE GROUP, BUT CANÕT HELP STARING AT THE GIRL. AS HE DOES, HE BUMPS INTO A LOW RAILING, STARTLING HIMSELF. SHE SMILES.

 

                               SHECKY (V.O.)

               Yeah, his breath is so bad, it turned a woolly     mammoth bald. But seriously, you may have seen        his big breakthrough in ÒJurassic ParkÓ -- So          letÕs have a big Valley Science hand for . . .              Velociraptor!

 

A FEW VISITORS AWKWARDLY CLAP A FEW TIMES. MEANWHILE, MALCOLM TAKES A FEW STEPS BACKWARD, KEEPING HIS EYES ON THE GIRL. FOR HER PART, SHE SEPARATES FURTHER FROM HER PARENTS AND LINGERS AT AN EXHIBIT OF BONES, LOOKING BACK AT MALCOLM.

 

                               SHECKY (V.O.)

               Raptor? I just met Ôer! Hey, what is this,    an audience or a petrified forest?

 

MALCOLM FINALLY SCREWS UP THE COURAGE TO APPROACH THE GIRL. ON THE WAY, HE PASSES A VIRTUAL GAUNTLET OF INCREASINGLY LARGER AND LARGER BONES.

 

                               MALCOLM

               Hi.

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Hi.

 

MALCOLM HAS NO REPLY.

                               SAMANTHA (contÕd)

               IÕm Samantha.

 

                               MALCOLM.

               Hey. IÕm. . . Malcolm?

 

                               SAMANTHA

               So did your parents drag you here, too?

 

                               MALCOLM

               Yeah, pretty much. WeÕre supposed to be bonding.

 

THEY BOTH LOOK AROUND, AND ITÕS CLEAR THAT MALCOLMÕS PARENTS ARE NOWHERE IN THE VICINITY.

 

                               MALCOLM

               ItÕs, uh, not really . . . taking. How Ôbout you?

 

                               SAMANTHA

               I wish. They drag me someplace like this every     weekend -- anything educational they can find.        Did you know that the National Laundry Museum        is just five miles up the road from here?

 

                               MALCOLM

               Quiet, my mother might hear you.

 

SHE LAUGHS. MALCOLM IS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

                               SAMANTHA

               ItÕs true. I appreciate the thought -- I mean, I just got put in the advanced class at my               school this year --

 

                               MALCOLM

               Really? Wow, so did I. ThatÕs weird, huh?

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Yeah! So, my parents, they donÕt want me to   Òsquander my giftsÓ in my free time. So here I             am --

 

                               MALCOLM

               -- on a broadening family outing --

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Right. But, you know, for once, IÕd just like to be a normal kid again, like I used to be.          And just, I donÕt know, sit upside down on the             couch playing video games in my underwear.                Do

               you know what I mean?

 

MALCOLM LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA AND SMILES AS WE. . .

 

                                              FADE OUT:

                               END OF ACT ONE


 

                               ACT TWO

 

INT. - HALL OF PRIMITIVE CULTURES -- SAME AFTERNOON

HAL AND LOIS STAND ALL BUT ALONE AT THE CENTER OF A SERIES OF CLICHED DIORAMAS DEPICTING LOINCLOTH-CLAD COUPLES HUNTING, GATHERING AND NURTURING. LOIS FREQUENTLY LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER FOR ANY SIGN OF THE BOYS. BUT HAL IS ENTRANCED, ALL BUT DROOLING OVER THE SCENES.

 

                               LOIS

This can never happen again. What do
you think it would cost to get four of those electronic bracelets they slap on prisoners when they go on work release?

 

                               HAL

(reading a placard)

               CouldnÕt begin to guess, honey. Now, you see whatÕs happening here: The male has just             returned from a successful mammoth hunt. And              as he approaches his cave, meat in hand --

 

LOIS ARCHES AN EYEBROW AND STARTS LISTENING.

                               HAL  (contÕd)

               -- his mate emerges, nursing their offspring. Tonight, they shall feast and celebrate the hunt by . . . dripping hot mammoth fat all                over

               each other --

 

                               LOIS

               Hey! ThereÕs no WAY it says that!

 

                               HAL

               Well, you can just imagine, canÕt you? The    hunter and his woman, nothing but loincloths             separating them from the hot-blooded beasts with whom they share the savannah --

 

WE SEE LOIS NOW FROM HALÕS PERSPECTIVE, HUNCHED OVER, IN LOINCLOTH. CAVE LOIS SPEAKS.

 

                               LOIS

               My God, Hal, is this a fantasy of yours?

 

                               HAL

               No, no. . . YES! Lois, I thought for sure when     you said we were going to broaden ourselves,           youÕd drag us to the Museum of Laundry. I never

     dreamed weÕd end up here, surrounded by all of

     this glorious -- cave-ity.

 

                               LOIS

               OK, youÕve lost it. IÕm going to find the boys

               and get you out of here --

 

SHE STARTS TO WALK AWAY.

                               HAL

(in his bedroom voice)

               Lois? . . . HowÕd you like to join the 10,000 BC Club?

 

SHE STOPS SHORT, AND, INTRIGUED AGAINST HER BETTER JUDGMENT, TURNS BACK TOWARD HAL AS WE. . .

 

                                              CUT TO:

 


 

INT. - HALL OF WEAPONS -- SAME AFTERNOON

 

REESE IS ON A TOUR LED BY AN ENTHUSIASTIC BRITISH GUIDE.

 

                               DOCENT

               -- The ancient Galls would use catapults just like this one to attack enemy fortresses with               stones, flames -- even disease-spreading              corpses.

 

                               REESE

               That is SO cool! So could you, like, hurl a   mad cow with one of those things?

 

THE DOCENT SMILES AND TURNS TO ANSWER REESEÕS QUESTION.

                               DOCENT

               Well, I suppose --

 

BUT THEN HE NOTICES REESEÕS BRIGHT ORANGE BADGE AND STOPS SHORT.

 

                               DOCENT

               -- Right. Well, if there are no further questions --

 

REESE, NONPLUSED, TURNS TO A FELLOW VISITOR. 

              

                               REESE

               Hey, did you guys do crossbows yet?

 

                               VISITOR

               Yeah, theyÕre just back there.

 

                               REESE

               And were they, like, really securely attached to the wall, or just kinda lying out on a   table?

 

AS HIS NEIGHBOR STEPS SLOWLY AWAY FROM REESE, WE. . .

                                              CUT TO:

 


 

INT. MUSEUM HALLWAY -- SAME AFTERNOON

 

A SECURITY GUARD IS DRAGGING DEWEY DOWN THE HALL WHILE SPEAKING INTO A WALKIE-TALKIE.

 

                               GUARD #1

               Sir, weÕve had a disturbance in the Hall of   North American Mammals. Six-year-old Caucasian      trying to rouse some rabbits.

 

                               DEWEY

               Why did you stuff the bunnies?

 

                               GUARD #1

               Roger that. HeÕs an orange-badge, sir. Folks probably paid a quarter and dumped him at the               front gate. I wouldnÕt even bother with an APB             on the PA. IÕd be surprised if you found this           guyÕs parents anywhere in a three-county      radius. Roger that. Bringing him in now.

 

AS HE DRAGS DEWEY AWAY, WE. . .

 

                                              CUT TO:

INT. HALL OF THE PLANETS -- THE SAME AFTERNOON

 

FRANCIS, AT THE HEAD OF A LARGE TOUR GROUP, HAS BEEN BADGERING THE ASTRONOMY GUIDE, AN EARNEST YOUNG GRADUATE STUDENT TYPE. AS THEIR DEBATE RAGES, THE TOUR GROUP BEGINS TO RALLY TO FRANCISÕ SIDE WITH MURMURING ASSENT.

 

                               FRANCIS

               -- So, youÕre saying that you guys just, like,                 arbitrarily decided Pluto isnÕt a planet      anymore?

 

                               DOCENT

               Well, sir, itÕs not arbitrary, of course.     There

               are many criteria --

 

                               FRANCIS

(mockingly)

               Hold on: Is Pluto. . . big?

 

                               DOCENT

               Well, yes, but its size really classifies it as a Kuiper Belt object --

 

                               FRANCIS

(interrupting)

               And does Pluto. . . orbit the Sun?

 

                               DOCENT

               Well, of course itÕs in orbit, sir --

 

                               FRANCIS

               So, whatÕs the problem? ItÕs a planet.

 

                               DOCENT

               Well, no. . . though you could call it a. . . Òdirty ice ballÓ

 

                               VISITOR #1

               THIS guyÕs the dirtball.

 

                               VISITOR #2

               IÕll give him a Òbelt objectÓ!

 

                               DOCENT

               Now, people --

 

                               FRANCIS

               So you want millions of kids to just toss their

science books in the trash because a few of you telescope jockeys got drunk one night and decided to play God with the natural order of the solar system?

 

                               VISITOR #3

               Who do they think they are?

 

                               VISITOR #4

Are you gonna pay to fix my solar system tattoo?

 

AS THE CROWD TURNS UGLY, THE GUIDE GRABS HIS WALKIE-TALKIE.

 

                               DOCENT

               IÕm going to need security in Sector Nine. . .     Code Blue. ThatÕs right, Code Blue . . . IÕve      got Pluto sympathizers here.

 

HE BEGINS WHISPERING.

                               DOCENT  (contÕd)

               And, Sir? TheyÕre being led by an orange      badge.

 

ON FRANCISÕ SELF-SATISFIED SMIRK, WE:

 

                                                   CUT TO:

INT. - HALL OF DINOSAURS -- SAME AFTERNOON

 

SAMANTHA HAS BROUGHT MALCOLM OVER TO MEET HER PARENTS. WEALTHY, POLISHED AND CHEERFUL, THEYÕRE THE ANTI-LOIS AND HAL.

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Mom, Dad, this is Malcolm. He just found out he was a genius this year, too.

 

                               STAN

               Well, congratulations, my boy. Your parents   must be very proud. IÕm Stan Winthrop, this is             my wife, Lila. Glad to meet you.

 

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

                               MALCOLM

               Glad to meet you, sir.

 

                               LILA

               And where ARE your folks, dear? You didnÕt    get

               separated, did you?

 

                               MALCOLM

               No, maÕam, they know where I am. I didnÕt want     to miss the Hall of Dinosaurs, but my little          brother, Dewey? He had his heart set on seeing            the, um, petrified. . . items.

 

                               LILA

               He sounds like a sweet little boy.

 

                               MALCOLM

               He does, doesnÕt he? So, theyÕre with him.    WeÕre going to meet up later, at a         predetermined time and place. Absolutely.

 

                               STAN

               Well, thatÕs grand. Sounds like youÕve got an independent streak, Mal. Served me well when I            was a wildcat oil man in the Panhandle.

 

                               MALCOLM

               IÕm sure it did, sir.

 

                               STAN

               Well, come on, old man. LetÕs all Òsink our   teethÓ into some trilobite fossils. Ha!

 

AS MALCOLM AND SAMANTHA FOLLOW HER PARENTS OUT OF THE HALL OF DINOSAURS, AN ARROW ZIPS PAST THEIR HEAD AND LODGES IN THE WALL BEHIND THEM.

 

 

                                              CUT TO:


EXT. CUSTODIAL CLOSET -- THE SAME AFTERNOON

LOUD BANGING AND CRASHING CAN BE HEARD FROM BEHIND THE DOOR.

A CUSTODIAN LEADS A THREE-MAN SECURITY TEAM TO THE DOOR AND THEY ALL STOP TO LISTEN TO THE RUCKUS.

 

                               HAL (V.O.)

               My mate -- I have brought you mammoth meat!

 

                               LOIS (V.O.)

               CÕmere, Og, you big lug!

 

THE GUARDS SHUDDER AND MOVE INTO POSITION TO BANG THE DOOR DOWN.

                               GUARD #2

               OK, boys, on three. One . . . two . . . THREE!

 

THE GUARDS SHUT THEIR EYES TIGHT, AND BANG THE DOOR DOWN. LOIS SCAMPERS INTO THE CORNER TO COVER HERSELF, BUT HAL REMAINS IN THE MOMENT, AND IN THE ALTOGETHER.

 

                               HAL           

               Intruders -- from an enemy tribe!

 

                               LOIS

               Oh, give it up, Hal. . .

 

ON HER PAINED EXPRESSION, WE. . .                       

                                              CUT TO:


 

INT. TRILOBITE HALL - SAME AFTERNOON

 

MALCOLM, SAMANTHA, STAN AND LOIS ARE LOOKING AT AN INCREDIBLY LAME EXHIBIT OF TRILOBITE FOSSILS, SURROUNDED BY HUGE, BRIGHTLY COLORED ÒTRILOBITE!Ó SIGNS. MALCOLM AND SAMANTHA TRY TO HANG BACK FROM HER PARENTS SO THEY CAN TALK.

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Malcolm, thatÕs incredible! YouÕre not going to believe this, but my older SISTER is at a             desert boot camp right now!

 

                               MALCOLM

               Oh my God, thatÕs amazing!

 

STAN CALLS MALCOLM AND SAMANTHA TO THE EXHIBIT.

                               STAN          

               Look at that, kids - 500 million years ago,   this little trilobite dominated the high seas.            Hey, Mal, did you know I spent some time in             the merchant marines before Princeton?

 

                               MALCOLM

               Really? I didnÕt know that, sir.

 

                               STAN

               Yeah, thatÕs right. . . Hey, lookee here: Some                trilobites had a pair of eyes, some were      eyeless. Reminds me of a bar fight I had               in   Singapore when I was with the diplomatic            corps.

 

                               MALCOLM

               That sounds fascinating, sir. IÕd love to hear     more about that sometime.

 

                               STAN

               Well, drop by the pool sometime, IÕll tell you     all about it.

 

STAN AND LILA STRIDE OFF AHEAD. AS THE CAMERA PULLS BACK, WE NOTICE SECURITY GUARDS TAKING THEIR PLACES AT EACH OF THE THREE ENTRANCES TO THE TRILOBITE HALL. SILENTLY, THE GUARDS SIGNAL TO EACH OTHER AND POINT OUT MALCOLM.

 

                               MALCOLM

               Does he really mean it?

 

                               SAMANATHA

               The bar fight? Yeah, IÕve seen the scars.

 

                               MALCOLM

               No, I mean coming to visit you -- and your    pool.

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Sure, why not? I can have friends over   whenever I want.

 

                               MALCOLM

               Wow, thatÕs really great. I mean, yeah, itÕd be cool. Whenever. I mean --

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Malcolm, itÕs OK, I like you, too.

 

                               MALCOLM

               Yeah?

 

SUDDENLY, A BLACK-GLOVED HAND GRABS MALCOLMÕS SHOULDER. HE LOOKS UP AND SEES GUARDS SURROUNDING HIM.

 

                               GUARD #3

               Is your name Malcolm?

 

                               MALCOLM

(deflated)

               Yeah. . .

 

                               GUARD #3

               IÕm going to have to ask you to come with us.

 

                               SAMANTHA

               Malcolm, whatÕs wrong?

 

                               GUARD #4

               WeÕve got some people back in our office who are just dying to get reunited with this guy.

 

STAN AND LILA APPROACH.

                               STAN

               Is everything all right here, son?

 

                               MALCOLM

               Yes, sir. IÕm sure itÕs just a case of. . .   mistaken identity.

 

                               GUARD #5 (into walkie-talkie)

               OK, subject acquired. WeÕre moving out now.   Roger that.

 

THE GUARDS START ESCORTING MALCOLM OUT. SAMANTHA CHASES AFTER THEM.

 

                              SAMANTHA

               Malcolm?

 

                               MALCOLM

               Yes?

 

                               SAMANTHA

               WeÕll be at the Muffin Institute next    Saturday.

 

MALCOLM SMILES AS HEÕS DRAGGED FROM THE ROOM.

                               LILA          

               Did anyone else notice that Godawful orange   badge he was wearing?

 

ON THEIR EXPRESSION, WE. . .  

                                              CUT TO:


INT. SECURITY OFFICE -- MINUTES LATER

THE GUARDS HAUL MALCOLM INTO THEIR OFFICE, WHERE THE REST OF HIS FAMILY SIT GRUMPILY ON A BENCH.

 

                               REESE

               Hey, whatÕd they get you for?

 

                               MALCOLM

               WhatÕd they GET me for? For knowing you people! . . . What did you do?

 

                               REESE

               I took a crossbow for a test ride.

 

                               MALCOLM

               Great.

 

                               HAL

               Listen, it doesnÕt matter what any of us did. The important thing is that weÕre all together              now. As a family. And isnÕt that really what               this whole day was all about?

 

THE GUARDS GIGGLE AT THIS.

 

                               GUARD #1

               You tell Ôem, Og!

 

                               MALCOLM

               Og?

 

                               LOIS (to guards)

               OK, youÕve all had your fun. Now can we just get out of here?

 

                               GUARD #2

               Absolutely, maÕam. WeÕll just need to collect your badges --

 

EVERYONE HANDS OVER THEIR ORANGE BADGES. MEANWHILE, ANOTHER GUARD WHEELS IN AN I.D. CAMERA.

 

                               GUARD #1

               -- and if youÕll give us a nice smile for the camera, weÕll be able to post your mugs on   every

               admissions booth in the museum.

 

STARTING WITH DEWEY, THEN REESE, FRANCIS, MALCOLM, HAL, AND FINALLY, AN EXASPERATED LOIS, EVERYONE HAS THEIR PICTURE TAKEN.

 

                               GUARD #1

               Thank you, so much. Now, one of my men will   escort you to the door and weÕll just ask you               kindly never to return to the Valley Science Museum.

 

THEY ALL START OUT OF THE OFFICE, MALCOLM LAST.

 

                               FRANCIS

               Well, Mom, IÕd say so far the summer of bonding is going pretty well -- at least for    you and Og.

 

                               LOIS

               Keep laughing. Next week weÕre using the buddy     system.

 

                               MALCOLM

               Oh, yeah, Mom, that reminds me: Can we hit the     Muffin Institute next weekend?

 

EVERYONE TURNS AS ONE AND LOOKS AT MALCOLM, INCREDULOUS.

                               MALCOLM

               What? HavenÕt you always wondered how they get     all those blueberries in there? I think it        could

               really be . . . broadening.

 

                     END