MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

“WHERE IT’S FUN TO FIND OUT”

written by

Gary Drevitch

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

“Where It’s Fun to Find Out”

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

MALCOLM SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA AS CAROLINE SIMULTANEOUSLY ADDRESSES THE CLASS.

MALCOLM

It’s the last day of school. The last day of being a Krelboyne until September. After today, I can finally be a normal kid again -- at least for 10 weeks.

CAROLINE

-- a summer which I know all of you will find fulfilling, especially those of you who’ll be spending it inside our local laboratories, as junior researchers, or as junior research subjects --

MALCOLM

(to camera)

-- Francis will be home this weekend. Maybe
Mom won’t make him go back to military school in the fall --

CAROLINE

-- But, before you go, I have a special treat for you. I’ve arranged with the principal for our class to have exclusive use of the gymnasium this afternoon --

MALCOLM

(to camera)

-- Yeah, all of this -- the abuse, the ostracism, the whole Krelboyne scene -- I’m already forgetting it all.

CAROLINE

-- for our own special game of... Dodge-the-Ball!

CLOSE UP ON MALCOLM’S MOUTH GAPING OPEN.

WHEN WE PULL BACK, HE’S IN THE GYM WITH THE KRELBOYNES IN THE MIDST OF THE LEAST FUNCTIONAL GAME OF DODGE BALL EVER. IN “SAVING PRIVATE RYAN” SLO-MO, WE SEE

VARIOUS KRELBOYNES

race in terror to the corners of the gym, as

ANOTHER KRELBOYNE

points a slide rule at the ceiling to deduce the best angle for a throw, and

A PAIR OF KRELBOYNES

study a dodge ball in a clear vial of water, making notes in a scientific notebook, while

OTHER KRELBOYNES

grab the red rubber balls and hurtle them backward over their head, or trip over slowly rolling incoming balls. Amid all this, we see

STEVIE

wheel in a circle because a dodge ball has punctured and lodged in one of his wheelchair’s tires, and

ERASERHEAD

ball in hand, get a running start, rear back to throw, then slam the ball right into the ground. It rebounds, whacks him in the face, and he crumples to the floor, grabbing his nose, as

CYNTHIA

scoops up the ball that felled Eraserhead and whips it across the floor, where it hits

LLOYD

in the gut. He immediately vomits, as

DABNEY

runs in such girlish terror that he accidentally kicks a ball off the wall. The ball strikes

MALCOLM

hard in the back of head. He falls to the floor, and we see CYNTHIA, the last player standing, launch into a spastic victory dance in the background.

MALCOLM (to camera)

OK, it may take a while to forget this.

AND WE. . .

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. WILKERSON HOUSE - SATURDAY MORNING.

WE ARE VERY CLOSE on MALCOLM’S UPSIDE-DOWN FACE.

MALCOLM

(to camera)

My mother is a tough and independent woman. She runs her family her way, no matter what anyone tells her. But -- She has a weakness.

LOIS CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM, CARRYING A COPY OF “GOOD PARENT” MAGAZINE AND STUDYING IT INTENTLY.

MALCOLM

(to camera)

“Good Parent” magazine. It uses guilt and pictures of happy, normal families to break down her resistance. Then it puts all kinds of crazy ideas in her head, like egg-carton flowerpots and notes about drug abuse in our lunch bags.

LOIS

OK, everyone. We’re going to have a family meeting -- right now.

MALCOLM

(to camera)

As far as I’m concerned, no good has ever come from a copy of “Good Parent” magazine.

LOIS

You know what the problem with this family is?

THE TABLEAU BEFORE HER ANSWERS THE QUESTION: FRANCIS, REESE AND MALCOLM ALL SIT ON THE COUCH, FEET IN THE AIR, HEADS ON THE SEAT, IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, VIDEO GAME CONTROLS IN HAND, SURROUNDED BY SPILLED CEREAL AND POTATO CHIPS. DEWEY ROAMS IN FRONT OF THEM, A BOX OF CEREAL COVERING HIS HEAD. REESE NOTICES DEWEY IN HIS LINE OF PLAY.

REESE

Dewey, get out of the way!

REESE GRABS A SOFA CUSHION AND WHIPS IT AT DEWEY’S HEAD, DROPPING HIM TO THE FLOOR.

LOIS (cont’d)

I’ll tell you what’s wrong: We haven’t had an old-fashioned family day trip in I don’t know how long!

HAL

No, really. We actually don’t know. I’m thinking there was a rodeo, but the details are fuzzy.

LOIS

Well, that’s going to change! This summer, we’re going to go on a --

SHE STEALS A QUICK GLANCE AT THE MAGAZINE.

LOIS (cont’d)

-- broadening family outing, once a week, starting today.

FRANCIS, REESE AND MALCOLM TUMBLE OFF THE COUCH AS ONE, KNOCKING VARIOUS DRINKS AND SNACKS OFF THE COFFEE TABLE.

FRANCIS

You’ve got to be kidding. I’m supposed
to be done with forced marches for the summer!

LOIS

I am most definitely NOT kidding. And would you care to guess where we’re going this afternoon?

EACH OF THE BOYS GOES WIDE-EYED AND IMAGINES THEIR FANTASY FAMILY TRIP.

MALCOLM

The amusement park?

WE SEE THE FAMILY, FRESHLY SCRUBBED AND 1950s-STYLE GLEEFUL, CLIMBING INTO A ROLLER COASTER. DEWEY, CEREAL BOX ON HIS HEAD, WALKS INTO A SAFETY BAR AND FALLS BACKWARD ONTO THE PLATFORM.

REESE

The air show?

WE SEE THE FAMILY AT AN AIR SHOW, “OOH”-ING AND “AHH”-ING AS A PLANE CRASHES TO THE TARMAC AND BURSTS INTO FLAMES. CEREAL-BOX-HEAD DEWEY SCRAMBLES FRANTICALLY IN AND OUT OF THE SCENE IN TERROR.

DEWEY

(through the cereal box)

The petting zoo?

WE SEE THE FAMILY SMILING TOGETHER AT A PETTING ZOO, SURROUNDED BY BUNNIES AND COWS. CEREAL-BOX HEAD DEWEY AMBLES AROUND WITH HIS HANDS OUT, TRYING TO PET SOMETHING.

FRANCIS

(dreamily)

Yeah, the petting zoo. . .

WE SEE THE BOYS AND HAL AT A STRIP CLUB. A NEON SIGN READING, “THE PETTING ZOO,” HANGS OVER THE STAGE. FRANCIS PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND MALCOLM AND REESE AS STRIPPERS CAVORT AROUND THEM. CEREAL-BOX-HEAD DEWEY AMBLES AROUND WITH HIS HANDS OUT, TRYING TO PET SOMETHING.

HAL

Wrong, wrong, wrong -- and very, very wrong.

LOIS

We’re going to the Valley Science Museum -- “where it’s fun to find out.”

FRANCIS

Fun to find out what, that the Valley Science Museum sucks?

LOIS

It does NOT suck. There are dioramas, dinosaurs, rare gems --

HAL

-- and the admission fee is only suggested!

REESE

Mom, what if we just watch the animal channel

for a couple of hours?

HAL

(intrigued)

Well, now, that would be completely free, wouldn’t it?

LOIS

No, we cannot just stay here and watch the animal channel. This is not about learning how animals have sex --

HAL

-- well, not JUST about that --

LOIS

-- it’s about “creating happy, lasting memories of the family unit” --

MALCOLM

Mom, we HAVE lasting memories --

LOIS

-- memories that don’t involve us all being detained by security.

HAL

Hmm. . . then I guess we can’t count that rodeo, either. . .

FRANCIS

There is no way I’m going to the science museum with you guys. What if someone sees me?

LOIS

Francis, believe me, no one you know has ever been to the Valley Science Museum. If anyone’s going to be embarrassed by being seen with his family there, it’s Malcolm.

CUT TO MALCOLM TURNING TO THE CAMERA AND MAKING A “SEE?” GESTURE. WE THEN HEAR A THUMP. FINALLY DEPRIVED OF OXYGEN, DEWEY HAS PASSED OUT.

LOIS

Now, would someone please mouth-to-mouth Dewey and get him in the car? We’re leaving in five minutes.

CUT TO:

INT. VALLEY SCIENCE MUSEUM LOBBY - AFTERNOON

HAL APPROACHES TICKET COUNTER. LOIS AND THE BOYS STAND TO THE SIDE.

HAL

Hi, there. I’ll be needing tickets for myself, my wife, and our four boys.

TICKET SELLER

(cheerily)

And how many of the boys are under 12?

HAL

Uh . . . three.

TICKET SELLER

Very good. Then that’ll be three adult tickets at $8.50 each, and three children’s tickets at five dollars each, for a total of 40 dollars and 50 cents.

HAL

Great, great. But actually, I’d like to just give you a quarter for all of us, how’s that?

TICKET SELLER

Excuse me?

HAL

Suggested admission, right? Pay what you will?

TICKET SELLER

Well, yes, but --

HAL

Then, here you are, my good man.

HAL HANDS HIM A QUARTER. THE TICKET SELLER GRIMACES, THEN HANDS HAL 6 ADMISSIONS BADGES -- EACH A GIANT BRIGHT ORANGE DINOSAUR.

TICKET SELLER

(chillier)

O.K... Sir, you’ll all just need to wear these admissions badges on your person -- for as long as you last -- I mean, stay -- in the museum.

HAL

No problem --

HE LOOKS AT THE SELLER’S NAME BADGE

HAL (cont’d)

-- Chip.

HAL RETURNS TO THE FAMILY, GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

HAL

Suggested admission rules! Here, put these on.

EVERYONE PUTS THE BADGES ON AND WALKS THROUGH THE MUSEUM’S MAIN ARCH. AS THEY PASS, WE SEE CHIP IN THE BACKGROUND, SPEAKING INTO A WALKIE-TALKIE WHILE HE WATCHES THE FAMILY ENTER THE EXHIBIT HALL.

CUT TO:

INT. - MAIN EXHIBIT HALL - MOMENTS LATER

MALCOLM

Hey, have any of you noticed that everyone else is wearing blue badges?

MALCOLM’S QUESTION IS IGNORED AS EVERYONE STUDIES THEIR FLOOR PLANS OF THE MUSEUM.

LOIS

OK, people, we’re going to be here for three hours. And the most important thing is that we all stay together. Now, where do we want to go first?

REESE

Hall of weapons! Hall of weapons! Who knew there

would be a Hall of Weapons?

HAL

Oooh. . . primitive societies!

DEWEY

Where are the bunnies?

FRANCIS

The only bunnies they have here are long dead, pal. They had their guts pulled out and then they got stuffed like a car seat. It’s cruel, but that’s life in the museum world.

LOIS

Thank you very much for putting that nightmare in his head, Francis. You can change his sheets tonight. Malcolm, where do you want to go?

MALCOLM

I don’t know. . . Is there an ancient rock formation I can crawl under?

HAL

OK, primitive societies it is! That’s straight through this room and then to the right. Now, remember, we’re going to stay together, OK, gang?

THERE IS NO RESPONSE.

HAL (cont’d)

Gang?

SLOWLY, HAL AND LOIS TURN AROUND, ALTHOUGH, BY THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES, WE KNOW WHAT THEY’LL FIND: EVERYONE HAS SCATTERED.

LOIS

Dammit.

HAL

Uh-oh.

LOIS

Next time, I swear I’ll drag them around by a tether.

HAL

They’ll be all right -- probably. And, hey, we’ve come all this way, why not check out some

primitive societies? They’re just over here to

the right.

HAL TAKES HER ARM AND TRIES TO GUIDE HER ALONG. HE IS VISIBLY SWEATING AND SALIVATING.

LOIS

Hal! We’ve got to track them down!

HAL

Let’s be realistic: What’s going to get us back

together quicker -- chasing around this giant

museum looking for the boys, or just waiting for

security to page us over the PA to pick them up?

LOIS

But the whole idea was NOT to end up in the security office!

HAL

Well, there’s always next week. Now -- the cavemen await.

HE LEADS HER OFF. SHE LOOKS AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY.

CUT TO:

INT. HALL OF DINOSAURS

MALCOLM HAS ATTACHED HIMSELF TO THE BACK OF A GROUP LED BY A BORSCHT-BELT TOUR GUIDE IN A LOUD PLAID JACKET. HIS BADGE READS: “SHECKY.” AS HE LAUNCHES INTO HIS ACT, MALCOLM NOTICES A PRETTY BLOND GIRL STRAGGLING BEHIND HER PARENTS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EXHIBIT.

SHECKY

How’s everybody doin’ tonight?

HE MOTIONS TO THE DINO SKELETONS.

SHECKY (cont’d)

Better than these guys, right? OK, now, I want you to make our first specimen feel at home. He’s a dangerous, dangerous guy --

MALCOLM HALF-HEARTEDLY FOLLOWS THE GROUP, BUT CAN’T HELP STARING AT THE GIRL. AS HE DOES, HE BUMPS INTO A LOW RAILING, STARTLING HIMSELF. SHE SMILES.

SHECKY (V.O.)

Yeah, his breath is so bad, it turned a woolly mammoth bald. But seriously, you may have seen his big breakthrough in “Jurassic Park” -- So let’s have a big Valley Science hand for . . . Velociraptor!

A FEW VISITORS AWKWARDLY CLAP A FEW TIMES. MEANWHILE, MALCOLM TAKES A FEW STEPS BACKWARD, KEEPING HIS EYES ON THE GIRL. FOR HER PART, SHE SEPARATES FURTHER FROM HER PARENTS AND LINGERS AT AN EXHIBIT OF BONES, LOOKING BACK AT MALCOLM.

SHECKY (V.O.)

Raptor? I just met ‘er! Hey, what is this, an audience or a petrified forest?

MALCOLM FINALLY SCREWS UP THE COURAGE TO APPROACH THE GIRL. ON THE WAY, HE PASSES A VIRTUAL GAUNTLET OF INCREASINGLY LARGER AND LARGER BONES.

MALCOLM

Hi.

SAMANTHA

Hi.

MALCOLM HAS NO REPLY.

SAMANTHA (cont’d)

I’m Samantha.

MALCOLM.

Hey. I’m. . . Malcolm?

SAMANTHA

So did your parents drag you here, too?

MALCOLM

Yeah, pretty much. We’re supposed to be bonding.

THEY BOTH LOOK AROUND, AND IT’S CLEAR THAT MALCOLM’S PARENTS ARE NOWHERE IN THE VICINITY.

MALCOLM

It’s, uh, not really . . . taking. How ‘bout you?

SAMANTHA

I wish. They drag me someplace like this every weekend -- anything educational they can find. Did you know that the National Laundry Museum is just five miles up the road from here?

MALCOLM

Quiet, my mother might hear you.

SHE LAUGHS. MALCOLM IS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

SAMANTHA

It’s true. I appreciate the thought -- I mean, I just got put in the advanced class at my school this year --

MALCOLM

Really? Wow, so did I. That’s weird, huh?

SAMANTHA

Yeah! So, my parents, they don’t want me to “squander my gifts” in my free time. So here I am --

MALCOLM

-- on a broadening family outing --

SAMANTHA

Right. But, you know, for once, I’d just like to be a normal kid again, like I used to be. And just, I don’t know, sit upside down on the couch playing video games in my underwear. Do

you know what I mean?

MALCOLM LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA AND SMILES AS WE. . .

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. - HALL OF PRIMITIVE CULTURES -- SAME AFTERNOON

HAL AND LOIS STAND ALL BUT ALONE AT THE CENTER OF A SERIES OF CLICHED DIORAMAS DEPICTING LOINCLOTH-CLAD COUPLES HUNTING, GATHERING AND NURTURING. LOIS FREQUENTLY LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER FOR ANY SIGN OF THE BOYS. BUT HAL IS ENTRANCED, ALL BUT DROOLING OVER THE SCENES.

LOIS

This can never happen again. What do
you think it would cost to get four of those electronic bracelets they slap on prisoners when they go on work release?

HAL

(reading a placard)

Couldn’t begin to guess, honey. Now, you see what’s happening here: The male has just returned from a successful mammoth hunt. And as he approaches his cave, meat in hand --

LOIS ARCHES AN EYEBROW AND STARTS LISTENING.

HAL (cont’d)

-- his mate emerges, nursing their offspring. Tonight, they shall feast and celebrate the hunt by . . . dripping hot mammoth fat all over

each other --

LOIS

Hey! There’s no WAY it says that!

HAL

Well, you can just imagine, can’t you? The hunter and his woman, nothing but loincloths separating them from the hot-blooded beasts with whom they share the savannah --

WE SEE LOIS NOW FROM HAL’S PERSPECTIVE, HUNCHED OVER, IN LOINCLOTH. CAVE LOIS SPEAKS.

LOIS

My God, Hal, is this a fantasy of yours?

HAL

No, no. . . YES! Lois, I thought for sure when you said we were going to broaden ourselves, you’d drag us to the Museum of Laundry. I never

dreamed we’d end up here, surrounded by all of

this glorious -- cave-ity.

LOIS

OK, you’ve lost it. I’m going to find the boys

and get you out of here --

SHE STARTS TO WALK AWAY.

HAL

(in his bedroom voice)

Lois? . . . How’d you like to join the 10,000 BC Club?

SHE STOPS SHORT, AND, INTRIGUED AGAINST HER BETTER JUDGMENT, TURNS BACK TOWARD HAL AS WE. . .

CUT TO:

INT. - HALL OF WEAPONS -- SAME AFTERNOON

REESE IS ON A TOUR LED BY AN ENTHUSIASTIC BRITISH GUIDE.

DOCENT

-- The ancient Galls would use catapults just like this one to attack enemy fortresses with stones, flames -- even disease-spreading corpses.

REESE

That is SO cool! So could you, like, hurl a mad cow with one of those things?

THE DOCENT SMILES AND TURNS TO ANSWER REESE’S QUESTION.

DOCENT

Well, I suppose --

BUT THEN HE NOTICES REESE’S BRIGHT ORANGE BADGE AND STOPS SHORT.

DOCENT

-- Right. Well, if there are no further questions --

REESE, NONPLUSED, TURNS TO A FELLOW VISITOR.

REESE

Hey, did you guys do crossbows yet?

VISITOR

Yeah, they’re just back there.

REESE

And were they, like, really securely attached to the wall, or just kinda lying out on a table?

AS HIS NEIGHBOR STEPS SLOWLY AWAY FROM REESE, WE. . .

CUT TO:

INT. MUSEUM HALLWAY -- SAME AFTERNOON

A SECURITY GUARD IS DRAGGING DEWEY DOWN THE HALL WHILE SPEAKING INTO A WALKIE-TALKIE.

GUARD #1

Sir, we’ve had a disturbance in the Hall of North American Mammals. Six-year-old Caucasian trying to rouse some rabbits.

DEWEY

Why did you stuff the bunnies?

GUARD #1

Roger that. He’s an orange-badge, sir. Folks probably paid a quarter and dumped him at the front gate. I wouldn’t even bother with an APB on the PA. I’d be surprised if you found this guy’s parents anywhere in a three-county radius. Roger that. Bringing him in now.

AS HE DRAGS DEWEY AWAY, WE. . .

CUT TO:

INT. HALL OF THE PLANETS -- THE SAME AFTERNOON

FRANCIS, AT THE HEAD OF A LARGE TOUR GROUP, HAS BEEN BADGERING THE ASTRONOMY GUIDE, AN EARNEST YOUNG GRADUATE STUDENT TYPE. AS THEIR DEBATE RAGES, THE TOUR GROUP BEGINS TO RALLY TO FRANCIS’ SIDE WITH MURMURING ASSENT.

FRANCIS

-- So, you’re saying that you guys just, like, arbitrarily decided Pluto isn’t a planet anymore?

DOCENT

Well, sir, it’s not arbitrary, of course. There

are many criteria --

FRANCIS

(mockingly)

Hold on: Is Pluto. . . big?

DOCENT

Well, yes, but its size really classifies it as a Kuiper Belt object --

FRANCIS

(interrupting)

And does Pluto. . . orbit the Sun?

DOCENT

Well, of course it’s in orbit, sir --

FRANCIS

So, what’s the problem? It’s a planet.

DOCENT

Well, no. . . though you could call it a. . . “dirty ice ball”

VISITOR #1

THIS guy’s the dirtball.

VISITOR #2

I’ll give him a “belt object”!

DOCENT

Now, people --

FRANCIS

So you want millions of kids to just toss their

science books in the trash because a few of you telescope jockeys got drunk one night and decided to play God with the natural order of the solar system?

VISITOR #3

Who do they think they are?

VISITOR #4

Are you gonna pay to fix my solar system tattoo?

AS THE CROWD TURNS UGLY, THE GUIDE GRABS HIS WALKIE-TALKIE.

DOCENT

I’m going to need security in Sector Nine. . . Code Blue. That’s right, Code Blue . . . I’ve got Pluto sympathizers here.

HE BEGINS WHISPERING.

DOCENT (cont’d)

And, Sir? They’re being led by an orange badge.

ON FRANCIS’ SELF-SATISFIED SMIRK, WE:

CUT TO:

INT. - HALL OF DINOSAURS -- SAME AFTERNOON

SAMANTHA HAS BROUGHT MALCOLM OVER TO MEET HER PARENTS. WEALTHY, POLISHED AND CHEERFUL, THEY’RE THE ANTI-LOIS AND HAL.

SAMANTHA

Mom, Dad, this is Malcolm. He just found out he was a genius this year, too.

STAN

Well, congratulations, my boy. Your parents must be very proud. I’m Stan Winthrop, this is my wife, Lila. Glad to meet you.

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

MALCOLM

Glad to meet you, sir.

LILA

And where ARE your folks, dear? You didn’t get

separated, did you?

MALCOLM

No, ma’am, they know where I am. I didn’t want to miss the Hall of Dinosaurs, but my little brother, Dewey? He had his heart set on seeing the, um, petrified. . . items.

LILA

He sounds like a sweet little boy.

MALCOLM

He does, doesn’t he? So, they’re with him. We’re going to meet up later, at a predetermined time and place. Absolutely.

STAN

Well, that’s grand. Sounds like you’ve got an independent streak, Mal. Served me well when I was a wildcat oil man in the Panhandle.

MALCOLM

I’m sure it did, sir.

STAN

Well, come on, old man. Let’s all “sink our teeth” into some trilobite fossils. Ha!

AS MALCOLM AND SAMANTHA FOLLOW HER PARENTS OUT OF THE HALL OF DINOSAURS, AN ARROW ZIPS PAST THEIR HEAD AND LODGES IN THE WALL BEHIND THEM.

CUT TO:

EXT. CUSTODIAL CLOSET -- THE SAME AFTERNOON

LOUD BANGING AND CRASHING CAN BE HEARD FROM BEHIND THE DOOR.

A CUSTODIAN LEADS A THREE-MAN SECURITY TEAM TO THE DOOR AND THEY ALL STOP TO LISTEN TO THE RUCKUS.

HAL (V.O.)

My mate -- I have brought you mammoth meat!

LOIS (V.O.)

C’mere, Og, you big lug!

THE GUARDS SHUDDER AND MOVE INTO POSITION TO BANG THE DOOR DOWN.

GUARD #2

OK, boys, on three. One . . . two . . . THREE!

THE GUARDS SHUT THEIR EYES TIGHT, AND BANG THE DOOR DOWN. LOIS SCAMPERS INTO THE CORNER TO COVER HERSELF, BUT HAL REMAINS IN THE MOMENT, AND IN THE ALTOGETHER.

HAL

Intruders -- from an enemy tribe!

LOIS

Oh, give it up, Hal. . .

ON HER PAINED EXPRESSION, WE. . .

CUT TO:

INT. TRILOBITE HALL - SAME AFTERNOON

MALCOLM, SAMANTHA, STAN AND LOIS ARE LOOKING AT AN INCREDIBLY LAME EXHIBIT OF TRILOBITE FOSSILS, SURROUNDED BY HUGE, BRIGHTLY COLORED “TRILOBITE!” SIGNS. MALCOLM AND SAMANTHA TRY TO HANG BACK FROM HER PARENTS SO THEY CAN TALK.

SAMANTHA

Malcolm, that’s incredible! You’re not going to believe this, but my older SISTER is at a desert boot camp right now!

MALCOLM

Oh my God, that’s amazing!

STAN CALLS MALCOLM AND SAMANTHA TO THE EXHIBIT.

STAN

Look at that, kids - 500 million years ago, this little trilobite dominated the high seas. Hey, Mal, did you know I spent some time in the merchant marines before Princeton?

MALCOLM

Really? I didn’t know that, sir.

STAN

Yeah, that’s right. . . Hey, lookee here: Some trilobites had a pair of eyes, some were eyeless. Reminds me of a bar fight I had in Singapore when I was with the diplomatic corps.

MALCOLM

That sounds fascinating, sir. I’d love to hear more about that sometime.

STAN

Well, drop by the pool sometime, I’ll tell you all about it.

STAN AND LILA STRIDE OFF AHEAD. AS THE CAMERA PULLS BACK, WE NOTICE SECURITY GUARDS TAKING THEIR PLACES AT EACH OF THE THREE ENTRANCES TO THE TRILOBITE HALL. SILENTLY, THE GUARDS SIGNAL TO EACH OTHER AND POINT OUT MALCOLM.

MALCOLM

Does he really mean it?

SAMANATHA

The bar fight? Yeah, I’ve seen the scars.

MALCOLM

No, I mean coming to visit you -- and your pool.

SAMANTHA

Sure, why not? I can have friends over whenever I want.

MALCOLM

Wow, that’s really great. I mean, yeah, it’d be cool. Whenever. I mean --

SAMANTHA

Malcolm, it’s OK, I like you, too.

MALCOLM

Yeah?

SUDDENLY, A BLACK-GLOVED HAND GRABS MALCOLM’S SHOULDER. HE LOOKS UP AND SEES GUARDS SURROUNDING HIM.

GUARD #3

Is your name Malcolm?

MALCOLM

(deflated)

Yeah. . .

GUARD #3

I’m going to have to ask you to come with us.

SAMANTHA

Malcolm, what’s wrong?

GUARD #4

We’ve got some people back in our office who are just dying to get reunited with this guy.

STAN AND LILA APPROACH.

STAN

Is everything all right here, son?

MALCOLM

Yes, sir. I’m sure it’s just a case of. . . mistaken identity.

GUARD #5 (into walkie-talkie)

OK, subject acquired. We’re moving out now. Roger that.

THE GUARDS START ESCORTING MALCOLM OUT. SAMANTHA CHASES AFTER THEM.

SAMANTHA

Malcolm?

MALCOLM

Yes?

SAMANTHA

We’ll be at the Muffin Institute next Saturday.

MALCOLM SMILES AS HE’S DRAGGED FROM THE ROOM.

LILA

Did anyone else notice that Godawful orange badge he was wearing?

ON THEIR EXPRESSION, WE. . .

CUT TO:

INT. SECURITY OFFICE -- MINUTES LATER

THE GUARDS HAUL MALCOLM INTO THEIR OFFICE, WHERE THE REST OF HIS FAMILY SIT GRUMPILY ON A BENCH.

REESE

Hey, what’d they get you for?

MALCOLM

What’d they GET me for? For knowing you people! . . . What did you do?

REESE

I took a crossbow for a test ride.

MALCOLM

Great.

HAL

Listen, it doesn’t matter what any of us did. The important thing is that we’re all together now. As a family. And isn’t that really what this whole day was all about?

THE GUARDS GIGGLE AT THIS.

GUARD #1

You tell ‘em, Og!

MALCOLM

Og?

LOIS (to guards)

OK, you’ve all had your fun. Now can we just get out of here?

GUARD #2

Absolutely, ma’am. We’ll just need to collect your badges --

EVERYONE HANDS OVER THEIR ORANGE BADGES. MEANWHILE, ANOTHER GUARD WHEELS IN AN I.D. CAMERA.

GUARD #1

-- and if you’ll give us a nice smile for the camera, we’ll be able to post your mugs on every

admissions booth in the museum.

STARTING WITH DEWEY, THEN REESE, FRANCIS, MALCOLM, HAL, AND FINALLY, AN EXASPERATED LOIS, EVERYONE HAS THEIR PICTURE TAKEN.

GUARD #1

Thank you, so much. Now, one of my men will escort you to the door and we’ll just ask you kindly never to return to the Valley Science Museum.

THEY ALL START OUT OF THE OFFICE, MALCOLM LAST.

FRANCIS

Well, Mom, I’d say so far the summer of bonding is going pretty well -- at least for you and Og.

LOIS

Keep laughing. Next week we’re using the buddy system.

MALCOLM

Oh, yeah, Mom, that reminds me: Can we hit the Muffin Institute next weekend?

EVERYONE TURNS AS ONE AND LOOKS AT MALCOLM, INCREDULOUS.

MALCOLM

What? Haven’t you always wondered how they get all those blueberries in there? I think it could

really be . . . broadening.

END