EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

ÒNobody MoveÓ

 

 

written by

Gary Drevitch

 

 

 

Copyright (c) Gary Drevitch. All rights reserved.

                                           

 


 

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

ÒNobody MoveÓ

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. RAY AND DEBRA'S KITCHEN — FRIDAY EVENING

(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie)

RAY ENTERS CARRYING AN OVERNIGHT BAG.  DEBRA IS AT THE SINK DOING DISHES.

 

                               DEBRA

               Hey, how was Chicago?

SHE MEETS HIM AT THE DOOR, GIVES HIM A KISS, THEN RETURNS TO THE DISHES.

 

                               RAY (EVASIVE)

Oh, you know: Windy. Big lake. . . Tasty
kiel-ba-sa. . . WhatÕs going on here?

                               DEBRA

               Not much. The kids just went to bed. . . Oh, hey, when you get a chance can you replace the            halogen bulb in AllyÕs room?

                               RAY

               What, itÕs out? I thought those things never went out.

                               DEBRA

               TheyÕre not powered by elfin magic, Ray. They      burn out.

                               RAY

               Well, canÕt we just get a new lamp? ÔCause    thatÕll have a new bulb in it, right?

                               DEBRA

               What are you saying, you donÕt know how to    change the light bulb?

                               RAY

               I know how to change the bulb...

                               DEBRA

               No, I donÕt think you do. I donÕt think you   even knew that they got replaced.

                               RAY

               I knew that . . .

FRANK AND MARIE ENTER THROUGH KITCHEN DOOR.

                               RAY (CONTÕD)

               ItÕs just. . . I saw something on TV that said     those things were dangerous is all. . .

                               MARIE

               WhatÕs dangerous? Is Debra using lead paint?

                               DEBRA

               No, Marie. . .

                               RAY

               ItÕs 10 o-clock. What are you doing here?

                               FRANK

               YouÕre home. Good. I need the TV.

                               RAY

               What? Why?

                               MARIE

               Rain ManÕs cable is out.

                               FRANK

               Definitely time for Bonanza, definitely time for Bonanza.

FRANK HEADS FOR THE LIVING ROOM.

                               MARIE

               Do you see what I live with? HeÕs seen every epsiode of that show 30 times.

                               FRANK (CONTÕD)

               TheyÕre showing the one where Hop Sing saves the ranch.

                               MARIE

               I hope it burns down this time!

                               DEBRA

               OK, OK. Frank, just, you know, keep your feet off. . . everything.

                               MARIE

               Now, whatÕs the problem here, dear?

                               DEBRA

               Oh, nothing much. It just looks like it takes more than one Barone to change a light bulb.

                               MARIE

               Well, that canÕt be true. RaymondÕs very      handy. He used to change light bulbs for me   all the time. He was so cute, climbing up the                ladder in his little overalls . . .

                               RAY          

               I think IÕm gonna go check on Hop Sing.

                               DEBRA

               Yeah, itÕs OK, Ray. WeÕll just buy a new lamp.     And then when the porch light goes out, weÕll        just get a new house. Because those little   yellow bulbs are the trickiest.

                               RAY

               Listen, IÕm not an idiot just because I canÕt change a light bulb.

                               DEBRA

               No, Ray. YouÕre a genius because you canÕt    change a light bulb.

                               FRANK (OFF CAMERA)

               Look out, Hop Sing!

ON RAYÕS EXPRESSION, WE. . .

 

                                            CUT TO:

                                            OPENING CREDITS


                               ACT ONE

                               SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. RAY AND DEBRAÕS LIVING ROOM — THE NEXT MORNING (SATURDAY)

 

(Ray, Debra, Ally, Robert, Marie, Frank)

 

RAY AND DEBRA ARE EATING BREAKFAST. RAY IS READING THE NEWSPAPER. ALLY RUNS THROUGH THE KITCHEN IN SOCCER GEAR.

 

                               ALLY

               Bye, mom! Bye, Dad!

                               DEBRA

               Have a good practice, sweetie!

                               RAY

               ThatÕs right, weÕve got a big game today,     right?

                               ALLY

               Dad, you wonÕt embarrass me again, will you?

                               RAY (HURT)

               No, IÕll just do like I always do -- get the crowd in the game. (SINGING) Cuz itÕs one, two,

               three illegal uses of the hands and      youÕre out

               - at the old - soccer - game!

ALLY LOOKS PLEADINGLY AT DEBRA.

                               DEBRA

               DonÕt worry, sweetie. I promise DaddyÕll      behave. Now donÕt miss your ride.         

ALLY KISSES DEBRA AND RAY GOOD-BYE AND WALKS OUT.

                               ALLY

               OK, bye!

                               RAY (SINGING HER OUT)

               Who let the soccer players out? Who! Who! Who!

                               ALLY

               Dad!

ALLY LEAVES.

                               RAY

               So, the kids really like it here, it looks    like,

               right?

                               DEBRA

               ÒLike it hereÓ? What do you mean?

                               RAY

               No, nothing. Just. . . you donÕt think theyÕd want to live someplace else, right?

                               DEBRA

               Ray, whatÕs going on?

                               RAY

               Just, I ran into Marty Wolf at the game in    Chicago. You remember the Wolfman, right?

                               DEBRA

               Yeah, sure, the Wolfman. HowÕs he doing? How are his boys?

                               RAY

               The Wolfpack? Good, good. Howling at the      moon.                Fighting over raw meat. So, anyway,      MartyÕs   starting up some new national sports    magazine,

               Extreme-a-Palooza Week or something.

                               DEBRA

               OK ...

                               RAY

               Yeah, so heÕs got to hire a staff.

                               DEBRA (GETTING IT)

               Uh-huh.

                               RAY

               Says he needs someone to be Òthe man,Ó write the lead column every week.

                               DEBRA

               And youÕre Òthe man.Ó

                               RAY

               No, no, you da man! Sorry. . . reflex. Yeah, well, we talked.       

                               DEBRA

Wow, thatÕs great, Ray. So. . . would you want
the job?

                               RAY

               No, you know. . . Well. ItÕs a great job,     except, you know, itÕs in Chicago. So, well,            we wouldnÕt want to. . . uproot.

                               DEBRA

No, no, I really think we should talk about this. It wouldnÕt be the end of the world to move. I mean, we always said we wanted the kids to experience living in different places.

                               RAY

               Really? WE said that? Because that doesnÕt    sound

               like me.

                               DEBRA

               No, youÕre right, Ray. This sounds like you:       ÒI want the kids to experience all of the           different entrances to my parentsÕ house.Ó

SUDDENLY, THE PIERCING SOUND OF A POORLY-PLAYED CHANTEY INTERRUPTS THE CONVERSATION. ON DEBRA AND RAYÕS PERPLEXED LOOK, ROBERT WALKS IN, WEARING A KILT AND CARRYING BAGPIPES.

 

                               ROBERT

               Good morning, Raymond. Good morrow, fair      lassie!

                               RAY

               Lassie, RobertÕs in trouble. Get help!

                               DEBRA (LAUGHING IN SURPRISE)

               Robert, what is all this?

                               ROBERT

               Well, IÕve been practicing secretly for a few weeks, and now -- you are looking at the      newest member of the New York Police Pipe                Band!

AS HE LETS OUT A TRIUMPHAL BLEAT, FRANK AND MARIE BURST IN.

                               FRANK

               Is someone burning goats over here?

HE SEES ROBERT IN ALL HIS CELTIC GLORY.

                               FRANK (CONTÕD.)

               Holy crap! HeÕs finally come out of the closet     -- and heÕs a Catholic school girl!

                               ROBERT

               For the last time, Dad -- IÕm straight!

                               FRANK

               Your lack of pants leads me to believe   otherwise.

                               MARIE

               Stop it, Frank. I think Robert looks very     handsome in his little costume.

                               ROBERT

               ItÕs not a costume, Ma. ItÕs a kilt. ItÕs been     worn by warriors for centuries. And IÕll            have   you know -- Amy finds it quite the sexy number.

                               FRANK        

               Why, the easy access?

                               MARIE

               Frank!

                               FRANK

               What, IÕm showing an interest!

                               MARIE

               ThatÕs not very nice, Frank. How would you    have

               liked it if my father asked you such a   question?

                               FRANK

               Who says he didnÕt?

                               MARIE (OUTRAGED)

               Oh!

                               RAY

               Take it outside, take it outside!

                               ROBERT

               Alright, IÕve got to get to practice. I just thought IÕd stop by to share my new interest            with my supportive family. But now I remember - those Barones live in an alternate universe.

                               FRANK

               Yeah, on Planet Pantless!

                               DEBRA

               Robert, I think itÕs terrific that youÕre going

               to be in the band. We can take the kids to see

               you in all the parades.

                               RAY

               Well, yeah, if weÕre around. And if weÕre     free.

                               DEBRA        

               Ray! DonÕt listen to him, Robert.

                               ROBERT

               Thank you, Debra. I appreciate your support, as always.

ROBERT, FRANK AND MARIE HEAD TOWARD THE DOOR.

                               MARIE

               LetÕs go, Frank. I want to tell you some      things my father REALLY wanted to say to you.

                               FRANK        

               What? ÒAbandon hope, all ye who enterÓ?

EVERYONE HEADS OUT THE DOOR. WE HEAR ROBERT PIPE UP WITH ANOTHER CHANTEY.

 

                               RAY

               Come on, now -- You really think you could    walk

               away from all of this?

                               DEBRA

               Yeah, I think I could manage. But letÕs talk about it: Did the Wolfman make you an offer?

                               RAY

               An offer? Yeah, well, we talked about a . . . range. But thereÕs more than money involved            here --

                               DEBRA

               How much is the offer, Ray?

                               RAY (CONTÕD)

-- thereÕs AllyÕs soccer, and the boysÕ . . . activities, and, hey, what about those lines on the wall for their height, you want to just leave those here to get painted over by strange new people?

                               DEBRA        

               Yeah, well, youÕve obviously given this a lot of thought. Now -- how much is the offer?

                               RAY

               The offerÕs alright, itÕs alright. But what   kind of people would we be if we made all of our decisions based on money?

                               DEBRA

               I donÕt know, Ray. Maybe. . . richer people? Now, here --

DEBRA SLIDES A PEN AND A PAD OF PAPER TO RAY.

                               DEBRA (CONTÕD.)

               -- I want you to just put a figure on a piece of paper.

                               RAY

               WolfmanÕs not holding me for ransom, Deb --

                               DEBRA

               Just do it!

                               RAY

               OK, OK . . .

HE WRITES DOWN A FIGURE AND PASSES IT TO DEBRA.

                               DEBRA (STUNNED)

               Howwwwl! -- Ray, thatÕs incredible. We could  really do this, couldnÕt we?

                               RAY

               I dunno . . . For one, a new magazine is      risky. Who knows if itÕll even get off the             ground? And then you gotta get movers, change of address forms. . .

                               DEBRA        

               IÕm sorry, Ray, but did you see this figure?

                               RAY

               Oh, oh, now I understand -- You -- youÕre     gold-

               digging now, thatÕs whatÕs going on,     isnÕt it?

               ItÕs the greed!

                               DEBRA

               Yeah, Ray, thatÕs right. YouÕve figured me    out.

               All these years, raising the kids, living     across the street from your parents, itÕs all          been about -- the greed!

                               RAY

               Yeah, you see, itÕs happening now, the   greedÕs making you crazy!        

DEBRA SCRAWLS SOMETHING ON THE NOTEPAD.

                               DEBRA

               OK, Ray, IÕm going to write a word on a piece of paper. This is what you are if you donÕt   take this offer.

SHE SLIDES HIM THE PAPER THEN CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

                               RAY

               Oh, thatÕs very nice. You kiss the kids goodnight with that mouth?

                                              CUT TO:


                               ACT ONE

                               SCENE B

INT. RAY & DEBRA'S HOUSE - LATER SAME AFTERNOON

(Frank)

 

FRANK ENTERS THE EMPTY HOUSE WITH A KEY.

 

                               FRANK

               Anybody home? My cableÕs still out! I gotta   watch ÒThe Rifleman.Ó Hello?

 

NO ONE RESPONDS. HE SHRUGS AND, AFTER STOPPING TO RAID RAYÕS REFRIGERATOR IN DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD FASHION, CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM, TURNS ON THE REMOTE, KICKS OFF HIS SHOES, AND PUTS HIS FEET ON THE TABLE. WE HEAR ÒTHE RIFLEMANÓ ON THE SCREEN WITH SNIPPETS OF DIALOG (ÒARE YOU GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT ÔIM, PA?Ó ETC.). THEN THE PHONE RINGS.

 

                               FRANK

               TheyÕre not home!

THE PHONE RINGS A SECOND, THEN A THIRD TIME.

                               FRANK

               No oneÕs home. Hang up, for the love of Pete!

ON THE FOURTH RING, RAYÕS ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.

                               RAY (ON TAPE)

               Hi, youÕve reached Ray and Debra. WeÕre not   home right now, but if you ÒleafÓ a message,   weÕll Òrake it inÓ when we get home.

                               DEBRA (ON TAPE)

               God, that is so lame --

DEBRAÕS CUT OFF BY THE BEEP. AS WOLFMAN LEAVES HIS MESSAGE, WE FOCUS ON FRANKÕS EXPRESSION AS IT TURNS FROM ANNOYANCE TO CONFUSION TO SHEER TERROR.

 

                               MARTY

               Ray-bone! ItÕs the Wolfman. Howwwwl! Listen, fella, weÕve got to talk -- WhatÕs it going to           take to get you out to Chicago to make        SportsXXL a reality? Remember, buddy, this is the jungle: No loyalty, no roots. When you    gotta

               jump, you gotta jump! You da man!

THE SOUND OF GUNFIRE ERUPT FROM THE TV.

                               FRANK

               Oh, my God! If they go, IÕll be left here all alone with -- her! Not on my watch!

AS HE BOLTS OUT OF THE HOUSE, WITHOUT HIS SHOES, WE. . .

                                            CUT TO:         

 

                              

 


                               ACT ONE

                               SCENE C

INT. RAY AND DEBRAÕS HOUSE - SAME AFTERNOON

(Ray, Debra, Michael, Geoffrey, Frank, Marie)

 

RAY, DEBRA AND THE BOYS RUN INTO THE HOUSE. THE BOYS ARE SOPPING WET.

 

                               DEBRA

 

               OK, we all had fun at the car wash. Now letÕs get upstairs, get changed, and get ready for              the Squirrels game!

THE BOYS CHEER AND DRIP THEIR WAY UPSTAIRS.

 

                               DEBRA

               Oh, Ray, I was thinking: Next time you talk   to Marty Wolf, I want you ask him some        questions. First of all, will his company pay                for our move to Chicago --

                               RAY

               What, youÕre hiring the truck already? Oh, you     are all business --

DEBRA CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

                               DEBRA        

               Ray, if weÕre going to make an intelligent    decision, we need to find out everything we              can about the offer. The benefits, the pension, the -- smell.

SHE NOTICES FRANKÕS SHOES SITTING ON HER COUCH.

                               DEBRA (CONTÕD)

               Are these your fatherÕs?

                               RAY (ENTERING LIVING ROOM)

               You think itÕs possible he was abducted by    aliens and this is all thatÕs left?

DEBRA DROPS THE SHOES ON THE FLOOR WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

                               DEBRA

               That reminds me: For now, until we decide about    the offer, the most important thing is that

               we donÕt mention anything about it to    your

               parents.      

                              RAY (UNDER HIS BREATH)   

               Yeah, youÕd probably just like to tack a note on the door when we go, wouldnÕt you?

AT THAT, FRANK AND MARIE BARGE IN THE HOUSE, CARRYING PARAPHERNALIA FOR THE SOCCER GAME. FRANK IS SHOELESS. MARIE IMMEDIATELY TURNS ON RAY.

              

                               MARIE

               How could you do this to me? After all IÕve   done for you, all the cooking, all the                    cleaning, youÕre going to run off to Detroit to work for Bigfoot?

                               FRANK

               And where the Hell are my shoes?

                               RAY

               What are you talking about? IÕm not going     anywhere!

                               FRANK

               The jig is up, ÒRayboneÓ! I heard a phone     message.

FRANK NOTICES HIS SHOES ON THE FLOOR.

                               FRANK (CONTÕD)

               Ah, there are the big dogs.

                               RAY (TO DEBRA)

               Ten years ago, you said: Of course your parents should have keys to the house, Ray.        What if thereÕs carbon monoxide poisoning?                They

               could rescue us, you said. . .

                               DEBRA        

               Alright, Ray. Frank, Marie -- Yes, Ray has a job offer that would require our moving to    Chicago.

                               MARIE

               Ray, you would go halfway across the country and leave your family behind?

                               RAY

               IÕd take my family with me, Ma!

                               MARIE

          YOUR family, Raymond? Which family? Not the   family that clothed you, the family that fed       you, the family that taught you how to tie                your

          little shoes -- that family would be left     here,

          to die alone.

                               RAY

               OK, OK. For now, weÕre just thinking about it.

                               DEBRA

               No, Marie, weÕre more than just thinking about     it. This could be a great opportunity for Ray.       You want whatÕs best for him, donÕt you?

                               MARIE

               Well. It sounds like your mindÕs made up.

                               FRANK

               Yeah, looks like RobertÕs not the only one    whoÕs

               not wearing the pants in his family.

                               RAY

               Hey! IÕm wearing pants right now! And when it comes time to make a decision --

DEBRA CATCHES HIS EYE, DEFLATING HIM.

                               RAY (CONTÕD)

               -- IÕll be right nearby.

                               FRANK        

               DonÕt worry about it, Nancy. You go to   Chicago. WeÕll be alright. WeÕve got -- Plan     B.

                               MARIE (IN STAGE WHISPER)

               Frank! We said we wouldnÕt talk about Plan B!      (TO RAY AND DEBRA) Now can we please go to          AllyÕs game -- who knows, it may be the last    time IÕll ever see my grandchildren. Any day now, I may wake up to find a note tacked to my              door, telling me that theyÕre gone.

FRANK AND MARIE HEAD FOR THE DOOR. RAY AND DEBRA FOLLOW, FRUSTRATED AND CONFUSED.

 

                               RAY          

               Plan B? Plan B? What could they -- Oh, my God -- ROBERT!

                                             FADE OUT:

                               END OF ACT ONE

 


                               ACT TWO

                               SCENE D

FADE IN:

EXT. BLEACHERS OF SOCCER FIELD - SAME AFTERNOON

(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert, Amy, Geoffrey, Michael)

THE FAMILY SITS WATCHING ALLYÕS SOCCER GAME. SCENE IS INTERCUT WITH THE CHEERS OF PARENTS AND FOOTAGE OF ALLY AND HER TEAM. DEBRA AND RAY SIT AT THE FAR END OF THE ROW, JOYFULLY FOCUSED ON THE GAME.

 

                               DEBRA

               Go, Squirrels!

                               RAY (SINGING AND DANCING)

               Who let Ally Barone out? Who! Who! Who!

LOOKING DOWN THE BLEACHER, WE SEE GEOFFREY AND MICHAEL SITTING NEXT TO DEBRA AND RAY. NEXT TO THEM SIT MARIE AND AMY. FINALLY, WE SEE FRANK, SITTING NEXT TO ROBERT, STILL IN HIS KILT, WHO STANDS AND LEADS A BAGPIPED CHEER.

                              

                               ROBERT (BETWEEN BAGPIPE RIFFS)

               Come on, Squirrels! They can take your land, but theyÕll never take -- your freedom!

A WHISTLE SIGNALS A BREAK IN THE ACTION AND ROBERT TAKES HIS SEAT.

                               FRANK

               Alright, Braveheart, listen up: IÕve given    this

               a lot of thought and hereÕs how itÕs     gonna go:

               Ray moves out, you move in. Simple as that.

                               ROBERT

               Dad, Raymond and Debra said they havenÕt      decided anything yet.

                               FRANK

               Maybe, maybe not. But if he goes, we gotta    move

               fast. YouÕre the new boy now! ItÕll be --     ÒAll

               About Robert.Ó

AGAINST HIS BETTER INSTINCTS, ROBERT ACTUALLY LIKES THE SOUND OF THAT.

 

                               ROBERT

               ÒAll About Robert.Ó . . .

                               FRANK (LAYING OUT THE FANTASY)

               Yeah, thatÕs right, ÒAll About Robert.Ó ItÕll be a whole new scene, man. IÕll drop in       whenever you-know-who gives me trouble, and                weÕll watch -- ÒGunsmoke.Ó And AmyÕll bring us     some beers -- I mean, DebraÕs got a nicer              caboose, but what are you gonna do?

                               ROBERT

               Hey!

                               FRANK

               What? SheÕs still got a nice rack. And, listen, if I ever come over and catch you        lounging around in your new skirt, hey,                thatÕll just be between you and me.

                               ROBERT

               ItÕs a kilt, Dad. A kilt.

                               FRANK

               Hey, Scotty, you can call it what you want.        All IÕm saying is: ItÕs on the QT.

                               ROBERT

               Alright, Dad. But what am I gonna do with     RayÕs

               house? I mean, Amy and I arenÕt even     engaged

               Yet.

                               FRANK

               What the Hell do I care? ItÕs at least the    eighties, do what you want. Just donÕt leave             me alone with her! I mean, what if they never fix the cable?

MEANWHILE, MARIE HAS AMY CORNERED IN A SIMILAR CONVERSATION.

                               MARIE

               Amy, honey, have you given any thought to     where

               you and my Robby might live someday?

                               AMY

               Well, Marie, you know, Robert hasnÕt exactly proposed marriage yet.

                               MARIE

               Oh, donÕt worry about that, dear. You want    that

               to happen? I can make it happen. ItÕs one phone

               call.

                               AMY

               Excuse me?

                               MARIE

               Now, donÕt you think that Raymond and DebraÕs house would be a wonderful place for you to   raise a family? ItÕs got a lovely backyard,                high ceilings for Robby -- and, best of all, IÕll be right next door. To help you along.

                               AMY

               We havenÕt really talked about any of that. . . (DISTRACTED BY CHEERING AND LOOKING FOR AN              OUT) Hey, did AllyÕs team just score a goal?

                               MARIE (FOCUSED)

               ItÕs not about winning and losing, dear. The important things in life -- caring for your           children, making them good meals, turning that            house into the home IÕve always known it could                be -- those are the things that truly matter.

                               AMY

               Well, I really think Debra does all those     things, Marie.

                               MARIE

               YouÕre a sweet girl. But after we have a      chance to spend some time. . . learning        together, I think youÕll begin to see things                differently.

AT THAT, A WHISTLE BLOWS AND A REF YELLS, ÒHALF-TIME!Ó RAY AND DEBRA JUMP FROM THEIR SEATS TO JOIN ALLY ON THE SIDELINE. AMY AND ROBERT LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN TERROR. THINKING QUICKLY AND SIMULTANEOUSLY, EACH GETS UP AND GRABS ONE OF THE TWINS. THEN THEY DROP THE BOYS IN FRANK AND MARIEÕS LAPS.

 

                               ROBERT/AMY

               Here. . . Hold this. Be right back!

ROBERT AND AMY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE DISTRACTION TO CHASE DOWN RAY AND DEBRA.

                               ROBERT

               Raymond!

                               AMY

               Debra!

                                            CUT TO:


                              

                               ACT TWO

 

                               SCENE E

 

EXT. SOCCER FIELD SIDELINES - CONTINUOUS (AFTERNOON)

(Ray, Debra, Robert, Amy)

 

RAYMOND AND DEBRA ON THE SIDELINES WITH ALLY. TO THE TUNE OF ÒTHE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES,Ó RAY IS LEADING A CHEER NO ONE ON THE TEAM IS FOLLOWING. IN FACT, MOST OF THE GIRLS ARE TURNING AWAY EMBARRASSED BY THE DISPLAY.

 

                               RAY

               Let me tell you a little story about a team   named the Squirrels --

                               ALLY

               Mom, you promised Daddy wouldnÕt embarrass    me.

               Now weÕre going to have to move!

ROBERT, KILT AFLUTTER, RACES TO CATCH UP TO RAY IN TIME TO HEAR ALLY.

                              

                               ROBERT

               No, you canÕt! You canÕt move!

                               ALLY (SCAMPERING OFF)

               I donÕt know any of these people!

ROBERT GRABS RAYMOND AND PULLS HIM ASIDE AS AMY CATCHES UP AND SIMILARLY GRABS DEBRA.

 

                               ROBERT

               Ray, you canÕt take that job! YouÕve got to   stay in New York!

                               RAY

               What? I told you -- I donÕt know what IÕm     doing. Why all the excitement -- Oh! I get it!             DadÕs workinÕ Plan B on you, isnÕt he?

                               ROBERT

               Ray, he wants us to move into your house. He wants to hang out and watch ÒGunsmoke.Ó You canÕt leave me alone with him. IÕll. . .                IÕll           match any offer.

                               AMY

               And, Debra, my God, the things Marie said. She     has all these . . . plans.

                               RAY (BRIGHTENING)   

               OK, so what youÕre telling us is: If we move to Chicago, Dad will be barging into YOUR house--

                               DEBRA

               -- teaching YOUR kids dirty limericks --

                               RAY

               -- while Ma disinfects YOUR kitchen --

                               DEBRA

               -- and adds fat to all of YOUR meals --

                               RAY

               -- while we relax by the lake and live out our     lives in a veritable Fortress of Solitude.

                               DEBRA

               Yeah, well, youÕve really given us some food for thought there.

A WHISTLE BLOWS TO BEGIN THE SECOND HALF. RAY LAUNCHES INTO A NEW CHEER, TO THE TUNE OF ÔWE ARE THE CHAMPIONSÕ

 

                               RAY

               We are the Squirrels, my friend -- And weÕll keep on . . . storing nuts till the end. Doo,             doo, doo --

AS RAY AND DEBRA SKIP AWAY, LEAVING LONGFACED AMY AND ROBERT IN THEIR WAKE, WE. . .

 

                                              CUT TO:

 

                              
                                                                        ACT TWO

 

                               SCENE F

 

INT. RAY AND DEBRAÕS KITCHEN - NEXT DAY (SUNDAY)

(Ray, Debra, Ally, Robert, Frank, Marie)

 

 

DEBRA IS READING A MAGAZINE WITH ALLY. RAY POPS UPSTAIRS FROM HIS OFFICE TO GRAB A DRINK OF WATER AND INTERRUPTS THEIR CONVERSATION.

 

                               DEBRA

               So, honey, you see, Gallant brushes and flosses his teeth every night and he gets an     apple from the dentist. But Goofus never                brushes and, look, heÕs getting a mouthful of braces.

                               RAY

               Yeah, Gallant looks pretty good now, but      waitÕll next month, when Goofus gets him on              the football field and knocks all those pretty               teeth right out.

                               DEBRA

               Ray!

                               RAY

               IÕm just saying, donÕt bet on the wrong horse in this race. . . Gallant thinks heÕs so       great. HeÕll get his!

                               DEBRA (TO ALLY)

               Hey, honey, why don't you go see how the twins     are doing with their coloring?

                               ALLY

               OK, Mommy.

ALLY RUNS UPSTAIRS.

                               DEBRA        

               How do you think the kids would take it if we moved to Chicago?

                               RAY

               I donÕt know. TheyÕd probably miss their      grandparents -- they donÕt know any better.

DEBRA JOINS RAY ON THE COUCH.

                               DEBRA

               Ray, tell me something.

                               RAY

               What?

                               DEBRA

               Marty has made you an offer, a great offer,   but you honestly think youÕd be better off not      taking it?

                               RAY

               Yeah, well, like I said, to move the kids     halfway across the country for something that              may not even pan out, itÕs a big risk.

                               DEBRA

               ThatÕs what IÕm talking about, Ray -- Why not take the risk? Why NOT risk this house? Why   NOT risk living without the security blanket                of having your parents next door. . . That    old,

               loud, filthy security blanket. . .

                               RAY

               Yeah, well, you know, we donÕt really have it so bad here.

                               DEBRA

               No, we donÕt. But weÕve got to be open to new

               things, new opportunities.

                               RAY

               Oh, OK, now I understand . . . YouÕve been    watching the womenÕs network and now youÕre              feeling all . . . empowered. OK, you dress up   in Saran Wrap, IÕll go run a bath --

                               DEBRA

IÕm serious! WeÕre still young, we have savings, we can DO anything we want to! I want you to know that IÕll support you if you want to try something different, whether itÕs this job, another job, or even a whole new career. And I need to know that youÕre open to change.
                             RAY

               Yeah, alright, I hear you. IÕll be . . . open,     OK? When I talk to Marty tomorrow, IÕll tell           him that weÕre open to talking about the job.

                               DEBRA

               Even if it means moving away from your   parents?

FRANK AND MARIE BARGE IN THROUGH THE KITCHEN. FRANK IS WEARING A CUBS CAP.

                               FRANK

               OK, Robert says he wonÕt take the house, so   weÕre moving to Plan C: If you go to Chicago, weÕre coming, too. Go Cubs!

                               RAY

               OK, you start driving. WeÕll be right behind you.

THE PHONE RINGS AND RAY PICKS IT UP.

                               RAY

               Hello! . . . Hey, yeah, howwwwwwl to you, too,     Marty.

DEBRA, FRANK, AND MARIE HUSH AND LISTEN IN.

                               RAY (CONTÕD)

               Yeah, yeah, itÕs all weÕve been talking about over here. . . What? . . . The money men      pulled the plug? Oh, hey, thatÕs rough, man. .                . No, you donÕt have to explain venture capital to me -- VC, AOL, YMCA, I keep up. . .      Yeah, IÕve got a great gig here, sure . . .                right -- and all that free baby-sitting with the parents across the street. That does sound          like a good thing, doesnÕt it? . . . OK, give   my best to the pack. . . No, you da man! . . .     How can I possibly be the man when you da man!

                               DEBRA

               HeÕs not the man?

                               RAY

               HeÕs not the man.

                               MARIE

               Well, I never trusted that Dracula character.

                               RAY

               Wolfman, Wolfman . . .

                               FRANK

               Whatever. Crisis over.

HE WHIPS OFF THE CUBS CAP AND THROWS IT TO RAYMOND, CATCHING HIM BY SURPRISE.

 

                               FRANK (CONTÕD)

               My cableÕs back and itÕs almost time for      ÒMaverick.Ó Mrs. OÕLeary, get out from under            that cow and fix me some bratwurst!

                               MARIE

               What cow, Frank?

                               FRANK

               I donÕt know, I was saving it for Chicago, I figured I should get it in sometime.

MARIE LEADS FRANK OUT THE FRONT DOOR. BEFORE HE CLOSES THE DOOR, FRANK TURNS BACK TO RAY.

 

                               FRANK

               So, good, youÕre staying.

                               RAY

               Yeah, Dad, weÕre staying.

                               FRANK

               Good, good. . . (THEN, CATCHING HIMSELF OUT OF     CHARACTER) . . . because if you were gone,             your

               mother would be all day cryinÕ over those     old

               pictures of you in your overalls tryinÕ to    change light bulbs.

                               DEBRA

               I knew it!

                               FRANK

               Yeah, this kid was lucky he could change his socks without getting a nosebleed!

DEBRA CROSSES TO RAY AND HUGS HIM AS FRANK WALKS OUT.

                               RAY          

               IÕm open to changing the locks is what IÕm    open

               to. . .

DEBRA GIVES HIM A KISS.

                               DEBRA

               Would you do it in your cute little overalls?

                               RAY

               Yeah, yeah, very funny. But I really mean it, you know, about being open to change. In fact --

HE CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND GRABS PAD AND PAPER.

                               RAY (CONTÕD)

               -- IÕm going to draw a figure on a piece of   paper, and you let me know if youÕre          interested

               in the offer. . .

 

                                              FADE OUT:

                               END OF ACT TWO


 

                               TAG

 

INT. FRANK AND MARIEÕS KITCHEN - MORNING, NEXT DAY

(Ray, Marie, Robert)

 

RAY ENTERS MARIEÕS KITCHEN ON HIS WAY TO WORK. MARIE HANDS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE.

                               MARIE

               Here you are, Raymond.

                               RAY

               Thanks, Ma.

RAY LOOKS AT THE COFFEE.

                               RAY (CONTÕD)

               What, are you out of milk today?

                               MARIE

               Well, thereÕs just a drop left. IÕm saving it for Robby.

                               RAY

               What? But. . . I like milk in my coffee, too.

HE SPIES A PLATE ON THE COUNTERTOP.

                               RAY

               Wow, chocolate-chip cookies? Great, lemme at Õem.

MARIE SLAPS HIS HAND.

                               MARIE

               No, Raymond! I made those for Robby.

                               RAY

               OK, hold on a second. WhatÕs going on here?

AT THAT, ROBERT WALKS IN THE KITCHEN IN HIS POLICE UNIFORM. MARIE POURS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE, THEN TAKES A CARTON OF MILK OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR, POURS THE LAST DROP IN HIS CUP, AND THROWS THE CARTON AWAY.

 

                               ROBERT

               Thank you, Ma. Good morning, Raymond.

ROBERT CROSSES TO THE COUNTER, GRABS A COOKIE AND DIGS IN.              RAY

               Alright, thatÕs enough. What gives? Why is he getting milk and cookies and IÕm getting    nothing?

                               ROBERT

               WhatÕs the matter, Ray? Plan B not working out     for you?

                               RAY

               Oh, my God -- ItÕs ÒAll About RobertÓ!

                               ROBERT

               I do like the sound of that. . .

                                              FADE OUT:

                               END