EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

“Nobody Move”

written by

Gary Drevitch

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

“Nobody Move”

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. RAY AND DEBRA'S KITCHEN — FRIDAY EVENING

(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie)

RAY ENTERS CARRYING AN OVERNIGHT BAG. DEBRA IS AT THE SINK DOING DISHES.

DEBRA

Hey, how was Chicago?

SHE MEETS HIM AT THE DOOR, GIVES HIM A KISS, THEN RETURNS TO THE DISHES.

RAY (EVASIVE)

Oh, you know: Windy. Big lake. . . Tasty
kiel-ba-sa. . . What’s going on here?

DEBRA

Not much. The kids just went to bed. . . Oh, hey, when you get a chance can you replace the halogen bulb in Ally’s room?

RAY

What, it’s out? I thought those things never went out.

DEBRA

They’re not powered by elfin magic, Ray. They burn out.

RAY

Well, can’t we just get a new lamp? ‘Cause that’ll have a new bulb in it, right?

DEBRA

What are you saying, you don’t know how to change the light bulb?

RAY

I know how to change the bulb...

DEBRA

No, I don’t think you do. I don’t think you even knew that they got replaced.

RAY

I knew that . . .

FRANK AND MARIE ENTER THROUGH KITCHEN DOOR.

RAY (CONT’D)

It’s just. . . I saw something on TV that said those things were dangerous is all. . .

MARIE

What’s dangerous? Is Debra using lead paint?

DEBRA

No, Marie. . .

RAY

It’s 10 o-clock. What are you doing here?

FRANK

You’re home. Good. I need the TV.

RAY

What? Why?

MARIE

Rain Man’s cable is out.

FRANK

Definitely time for Bonanza, definitely time for Bonanza.

FRANK HEADS FOR THE LIVING ROOM.

MARIE

Do you see what I live with? He’s seen every epsiode of that show 30 times.

FRANK (CONT’D)

They’re showing the one where Hop Sing saves the ranch.

MARIE

I hope it burns down this time!

DEBRA

OK, OK. Frank, just, you know, keep your feet off. . . everything.

MARIE

Now, what’s the problem here, dear?

DEBRA

Oh, nothing much. It just looks like it takes more than one Barone to change a light bulb.

MARIE

Well, that can’t be true. Raymond’s very handy. He used to change light bulbs for me all the time. He was so cute, climbing up the ladder in his little overalls . . .

RAY

I think I’m gonna go check on Hop Sing.

DEBRA

Yeah, it’s OK, Ray. We’ll just buy a new lamp. And then when the porch light goes out, we’ll just get a new house. Because those little yellow bulbs are the trickiest.

RAY

Listen, I’m not an idiot just because I can’t change a light bulb.

DEBRA

No, Ray. You’re a genius because you can’t change a light bulb.

FRANK (OFF CAMERA)

Look out, Hop Sing!

ON RAY’S EXPRESSION, WE. . .

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S LIVING ROOM — THE NEXT MORNING (SATURDAY)

(Ray, Debra, Ally, Robert, Marie, Frank)

RAY AND DEBRA ARE EATING BREAKFAST. RAY IS READING THE NEWSPAPER. ALLY RUNS THROUGH THE KITCHEN IN SOCCER GEAR.

ALLY

Bye, mom! Bye, Dad!

DEBRA

Have a good practice, sweetie!

RAY

That’s right, we’ve got a big game today, right?

ALLY

Dad, you won’t embarrass me again, will you?

RAY (HURT)

No, I’ll just do like I always do -- get the crowd in the game. (SINGING) Cuz it’s one, two,

three illegal uses of the hands and you’re out

- at the old - soccer - game!

ALLY LOOKS PLEADINGLY AT DEBRA.

DEBRA

Don’t worry, sweetie. I promise Daddy’ll behave. Now don’t miss your ride.

ALLY KISSES DEBRA AND RAY GOOD-BYE AND WALKS OUT.

ALLY

OK, bye!

RAY (SINGING HER OUT)

Who let the soccer players out? Who! Who! Who!

ALLY

Dad!

ALLY LEAVES.

RAY

So, the kids really like it here, it looks like,

right?

DEBRA

“Like it here”? What do you mean?

RAY

No, nothing. Just. . . you don’t think they’d want to live someplace else, right?

DEBRA

Ray, what’s going on?

RAY

Just, I ran into Marty Wolf at the game in Chicago. You remember the Wolfman, right?

DEBRA

Yeah, sure, the Wolfman. How’s he doing? How are his boys?

RAY

The Wolfpack? Good, good. Howling at the moon. Fighting over raw meat. So, anyway, Marty’s starting up some new national sports magazine,

Extreme-a-Palooza Week or something.

DEBRA

OK ...

RAY

Yeah, so he’s got to hire a staff.

DEBRA (GETTING IT)

Uh-huh.

RAY

Says he needs someone to be “the man,” write the lead column every week.

DEBRA

And you’re “the man.”

RAY

No, no, you da man! Sorry. . . reflex. Yeah, well, we talked.

DEBRA

Wow, that’s great, Ray. So. . . would you want
the job?

RAY

No, you know. . . Well. It’s a great job, except, you know, it’s in Chicago. So, well, we wouldn’t want to. . . uproot.

DEBRA

No, no, I really think we should talk about this. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to move. I mean, we always said we wanted the kids to experience living in different places.

RAY

Really? WE said that? Because that doesn’t sound

like me.

DEBRA

No, you’re right, Ray. This sounds like you: “I want the kids to experience all of the different entrances to my parents’ house.”

SUDDENLY, THE PIERCING SOUND OF A POORLY-PLAYED CHANTEY INTERRUPTS THE CONVERSATION. ON DEBRA AND RAY’S PERPLEXED LOOK, ROBERT WALKS IN, WEARING A KILT AND CARRYING BAGPIPES.

ROBERT

Good morning, Raymond. Good morrow, fair lassie!

RAY

Lassie, Robert’s in trouble. Get help!

DEBRA (LAUGHING IN SURPRISE)

Robert, what is all this?

ROBERT

Well, I’ve been practicing secretly for a few weeks, and now -- you are looking at the newest member of the New York Police Pipe Band!

AS HE LETS OUT A TRIUMPHAL BLEAT, FRANK AND MARIE BURST IN.

FRANK

Is someone burning goats over here?

HE SEES ROBERT IN ALL HIS CELTIC GLORY.

FRANK (CONT’D.)

Holy crap! He’s finally come out of the closet -- and he’s a Catholic school girl!

ROBERT

For the last time, Dad -- I’m straight!

FRANK

Your lack of pants leads me to believe otherwise.

MARIE

Stop it, Frank. I think Robert looks very handsome in his little costume.

ROBERT

It’s not a costume, Ma. It’s a kilt. It’s been worn by warriors for centuries. And I’ll have you know -- Amy finds it quite the sexy number.

FRANK

Why, the easy access?

MARIE

Frank!

FRANK

What, I’m showing an interest!

MARIE

That’s not very nice, Frank. How would you have

liked it if my father asked you such a question?

FRANK

Who says he didn’t?

MARIE (OUTRAGED)

Oh!

RAY

Take it outside, take it outside!

ROBERT

Alright, I’ve got to get to practice. I just thought I’d stop by to share my new interest with my supportive family. But now I remember - those Barones live in an alternate universe.

FRANK

Yeah, on Planet Pantless!

DEBRA

Robert, I think it’s terrific that you’re going

to be in the band. We can take the kids to see

you in all the parades.

RAY

Well, yeah, if we’re around. And if we’re free.

DEBRA

Ray! Don’t listen to him, Robert.

ROBERT

Thank you, Debra. I appreciate your support, as always.

ROBERT, FRANK AND MARIE HEAD TOWARD THE DOOR.

MARIE

Let’s go, Frank. I want to tell you some things my father REALLY wanted to say to you.

FRANK

What? “Abandon hope, all ye who enter”?

EVERYONE HEADS OUT THE DOOR. WE HEAR ROBERT PIPE UP WITH ANOTHER CHANTEY.

RAY

Come on, now -- You really think you could walk

away from all of this?

DEBRA

Yeah, I think I could manage. But let’s talk about it: Did the Wolfman make you an offer?

RAY

An offer? Yeah, well, we talked about a . . . range. But there’s more than money involved here --

DEBRA

How much is the offer, Ray?

RAY (CONT’D)

-- there’s Ally’s soccer, and the boys’ . . . activities, and, hey, what about those lines on the wall for their height, you want to just leave those here to get painted over by strange new people?

DEBRA

Yeah, well, you’ve obviously given this a lot of thought. Now -- how much is the offer?

RAY

The offer’s alright, it’s alright. But what kind of people would we be if we made all of our decisions based on money?

DEBRA

I don’t know, Ray. Maybe. . . richer people? Now, here --

DEBRA SLIDES A PEN AND A PAD OF PAPER TO RAY.

DEBRA (CONT’D.)

-- I want you to just put a figure on a piece of paper.

RAY

Wolfman’s not holding me for ransom, Deb --

DEBRA

Just do it!

RAY

OK, OK . . .

HE WRITES DOWN A FIGURE AND PASSES IT TO DEBRA.

DEBRA (STUNNED)

Howwwwl! -- Ray, that’s incredible. We could really do this, couldn’t we?

RAY

I dunno . . . For one, a new magazine is risky. Who knows if it’ll even get off the ground? And then you gotta get movers, change of address forms. . .

DEBRA

I’m sorry, Ray, but did you see this figure?

RAY

Oh, oh, now I understand -- You -- you’re gold-

digging now, that’s what’s going on, isn’t it?

It’s the greed!

DEBRA

Yeah, Ray, that’s right. You’ve figured me out.

All these years, raising the kids, living across the street from your parents, it’s all been about -- the greed!

RAY

Yeah, you see, it’s happening now, the greed’s making you crazy!

DEBRA SCRAWLS SOMETHING ON THE NOTEPAD.

DEBRA

OK, Ray, I’m going to write a word on a piece of paper. This is what you are if you don’t take this offer.

SHE SLIDES HIM THE PAPER THEN CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

RAY

Oh, that’s very nice. You kiss the kids goodnight with that mouth?

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. RAY & DEBRA'S HOUSE - LATER SAME AFTERNOON

(Frank)

FRANK ENTERS THE EMPTY HOUSE WITH A KEY.

FRANK

Anybody home? My cable’s still out! I gotta watch “The Rifleman.” Hello?

NO ONE RESPONDS. HE SHRUGS AND, AFTER STOPPING TO RAID RAY’S REFRIGERATOR IN DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD FASHION, CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM, TURNS ON THE REMOTE, KICKS OFF HIS SHOES, AND PUTS HIS FEET ON THE TABLE. WE HEAR “THE RIFLEMAN” ON THE SCREEN WITH SNIPPETS OF DIALOG (“ARE YOU GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT ‘IM, PA?” ETC.). THEN THE PHONE RINGS.

FRANK

They’re not home!

THE PHONE RINGS A SECOND, THEN A THIRD TIME.

FRANK

No one’s home. Hang up, for the love of Pete!

ON THE FOURTH RING, RAY’S ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.

RAY (ON TAPE)

Hi, you’ve reached Ray and Debra. We’re not home right now, but if you “leaf” a message, we’ll “rake it in” when we get home.

DEBRA (ON TAPE)

God, that is so lame --

DEBRA’S CUT OFF BY THE BEEP. AS WOLFMAN LEAVES HIS MESSAGE, WE FOCUS ON FRANK’S EXPRESSION AS IT TURNS FROM ANNOYANCE TO CONFUSION TO SHEER TERROR.

MARTY

Ray-bone! It’s the Wolfman. Howwwwl! Listen, fella, we’ve got to talk -- What’s it going to take to get you out to Chicago to make SportsXXL a reality? Remember, buddy, this is the jungle: No loyalty, no roots. When you gotta

jump, you gotta jump! You da man!

THE SOUND OF GUNFIRE ERUPT FROM THE TV.

FRANK

Oh, my God! If they go, I’ll be left here all alone with -- her! Not on my watch!

AS HE BOLTS OUT OF THE HOUSE, WITHOUT HIS SHOES, WE. . .

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE C

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S HOUSE - SAME AFTERNOON

(Ray, Debra, Michael, Geoffrey, Frank, Marie)

RAY, DEBRA AND THE BOYS RUN INTO THE HOUSE. THE BOYS ARE SOPPING WET.

DEBRA

OK, we all had fun at the car wash. Now let’s get upstairs, get changed, and get ready for the Squirrels game!

THE BOYS CHEER AND DRIP THEIR WAY UPSTAIRS.

DEBRA

Oh, Ray, I was thinking: Next time you talk to Marty Wolf, I want you ask him some questions. First of all, will his company pay for our move to Chicago --

RAY

What, you’re hiring the truck already? Oh, you are all business --

DEBRA CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

DEBRA

Ray, if we’re going to make an intelligent decision, we need to find out everything we can about the offer. The benefits, the pension, the -- smell.

SHE NOTICES FRANK’S SHOES SITTING ON HER COUCH.

DEBRA (CONT’D)

Are these your father’s?

RAY (ENTERING LIVING ROOM)

You think it’s possible he was abducted by aliens and this is all that’s left?

DEBRA DROPS THE SHOES ON THE FLOOR WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

DEBRA

That reminds me: For now, until we decide about the offer, the most important thing is that

we don’t mention anything about it to your

parents.

RAY (UNDER HIS BREATH)

Yeah, you’d probably just like to tack a note on the door when we go, wouldn’t you?

AT THAT, FRANK AND MARIE BARGE IN THE HOUSE, CARRYING PARAPHERNALIA FOR THE SOCCER GAME. FRANK IS SHOELESS. MARIE IMMEDIATELY TURNS ON RAY.

MARIE

How could you do this to me? After all I’ve done for you, all the cooking, all the cleaning, you’re going to run off to Detroit to work for Bigfoot?

FRANK

And where the Hell are my shoes?

RAY

What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere!

FRANK

The jig is up, “Raybone”! I heard a phone message.

FRANK NOTICES HIS SHOES ON THE FLOOR.

FRANK (CONT’D)

Ah, there are the big dogs.

RAY (TO DEBRA)

Ten years ago, you said: Of course your parents should have keys to the house, Ray. What if there’s carbon monoxide poisoning? They

could rescue us, you said. . .

DEBRA

Alright, Ray. Frank, Marie -- Yes, Ray has a job offer that would require our moving to Chicago.

MARIE

Ray, you would go halfway across the country and leave your family behind?

RAY

I’d take my family with me, Ma!

MARIE

YOUR family, Raymond? Which family? Not the family that clothed you, the family that fed you, the family that taught you how to tie your

little shoes -- that family would be left here,

to die alone.

RAY

OK, OK. For now, we’re just thinking about it.

DEBRA

No, Marie, we’re more than just thinking about it. This could be a great opportunity for Ray. You want what’s best for him, don’t you?

MARIE

Well. It sounds like your mind’s made up.

FRANK

Yeah, looks like Robert’s not the only one who’s

not wearing the pants in his family.

RAY

Hey! I’m wearing pants right now! And when it comes time to make a decision --

DEBRA CATCHES HIS EYE, DEFLATING HIM.

RAY (CONT’D)

-- I’ll be right nearby.

FRANK

Don’t worry about it, Nancy. You go to Chicago. We’ll be alright. We’ve got -- Plan B.

MARIE (IN STAGE WHISPER)

Frank! We said we wouldn’t talk about Plan B! (TO RAY AND DEBRA) Now can we please go to Ally’s game -- who knows, it may be the last time I’ll ever see my grandchildren. Any day now, I may wake up to find a note tacked to my door, telling me that they’re gone.

FRANK AND MARIE HEAD FOR THE DOOR. RAY AND DEBRA FOLLOW, FRUSTRATED AND CONFUSED.

RAY

Plan B? Plan B? What could they -- Oh, my God -- ROBERT!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE D

FADE IN:

EXT. BLEACHERS OF SOCCER FIELD - SAME AFTERNOON

(Ray, Debra, Frank, Marie, Robert, Amy, Geoffrey, Michael)

THE FAMILY SITS WATCHING ALLY’S SOCCER GAME. SCENE IS INTERCUT WITH THE CHEERS OF PARENTS AND FOOTAGE OF ALLY AND HER TEAM. DEBRA AND RAY SIT AT THE FAR END OF THE ROW, JOYFULLY FOCUSED ON THE GAME.

DEBRA

Go, Squirrels!

RAY (SINGING AND DANCING)

Who let Ally Barone out? Who! Who! Who!

LOOKING DOWN THE BLEACHER, WE SEE GEOFFREY AND MICHAEL SITTING NEXT TO DEBRA AND RAY. NEXT TO THEM SIT MARIE AND AMY. FINALLY, WE SEE FRANK, SITTING NEXT TO ROBERT, STILL IN HIS KILT, WHO STANDS AND LEADS A BAGPIPED CHEER.

ROBERT (BETWEEN BAGPIPE RIFFS)

Come on, Squirrels! They can take your land, but they’ll never take -- your freedom!

A WHISTLE SIGNALS A BREAK IN THE ACTION AND ROBERT TAKES HIS SEAT.

FRANK

Alright, Braveheart, listen up: I’ve given this

a lot of thought and here’s how it’s gonna go:

Ray moves out, you move in. Simple as that.

ROBERT

Dad, Raymond and Debra said they haven’t decided anything yet.

FRANK

Maybe, maybe not. But if he goes, we gotta move

fast. You’re the new boy now! It’ll be -- “All

About Robert.”

AGAINST HIS BETTER INSTINCTS, ROBERT ACTUALLY LIKES THE SOUND OF THAT.

ROBERT

“All About Robert.” . . .

FRANK (LAYING OUT THE FANTASY)

Yeah, that’s right, “All About Robert.” It’ll be a whole new scene, man. I’ll drop in whenever you-know-who gives me trouble, and we’ll watch -- “Gunsmoke.” And Amy’ll bring us some beers -- I mean, Debra’s got a nicer caboose, but what are you gonna do?

ROBERT

Hey!

FRANK

What? She’s still got a nice rack. And, listen, if I ever come over and catch you lounging around in your new skirt, hey, that’ll just be between you and me.

ROBERT

It’s a kilt, Dad. A kilt.

FRANK

Hey, Scotty, you can call it what you want. All I’m saying is: It’s on the QT.

ROBERT

Alright, Dad. But what am I gonna do with Ray’s

house? I mean, Amy and I aren’t even engaged

Yet.

FRANK

What the Hell do I care? It’s at least the eighties, do what you want. Just don’t leave me alone with her! I mean, what if they never fix the cable?

MEANWHILE, MARIE HAS AMY CORNERED IN A SIMILAR CONVERSATION.

MARIE

Amy, honey, have you given any thought to where

you and my Robby might live someday?

AMY

Well, Marie, you know, Robert hasn’t exactly proposed marriage yet.

MARIE

Oh, don’t worry about that, dear. You want that

to happen? I can make it happen. It’s one phone

call.

AMY

Excuse me?

MARIE

Now, don’t you think that Raymond and Debra’s house would be a wonderful place for you to raise a family? It’s got a lovely backyard, high ceilings for Robby -- and, best of all, I’ll be right next door. To help you along.

AMY

We haven’t really talked about any of that. . . (DISTRACTED BY CHEERING AND LOOKING FOR AN OUT) Hey, did Ally’s team just score a goal?

MARIE (FOCUSED)

It’s not about winning and losing, dear. The important things in life -- caring for your children, making them good meals, turning that house into the home I’ve always known it could be -- those are the things that truly matter.

AMY

Well, I really think Debra does all those things, Marie.

MARIE

You’re a sweet girl. But after we have a chance to spend some time. . . learning together, I think you’ll begin to see things differently.

AT THAT, A WHISTLE BLOWS AND A REF YELLS, “HALF-TIME!” RAY AND DEBRA JUMP FROM THEIR SEATS TO JOIN ALLY ON THE SIDELINE. AMY AND ROBERT LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN TERROR. THINKING QUICKLY AND SIMULTANEOUSLY, EACH GETS UP AND GRABS ONE OF THE TWINS. THEN THEY DROP THE BOYS IN FRANK AND MARIE’S LAPS.

ROBERT/AMY

Here. . . Hold this. Be right back!

ROBERT AND AMY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE DISTRACTION TO CHASE DOWN RAY AND DEBRA.

ROBERT

Raymond!

AMY

Debra!

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE E

EXT. SOCCER FIELD SIDELINES - CONTINUOUS (AFTERNOON)

(Ray, Debra, Robert, Amy)

RAYMOND AND DEBRA ON THE SIDELINES WITH ALLY. TO THE TUNE OF “THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES,” RAY IS LEADING A CHEER NO ONE ON THE TEAM IS FOLLOWING. IN FACT, MOST OF THE GIRLS ARE TURNING AWAY EMBARRASSED BY THE DISPLAY.

RAY

Let me tell you a little story about a team named the Squirrels --

ALLY

Mom, you promised Daddy wouldn’t embarrass me.

Now we’re going to have to move!

ROBERT, KILT AFLUTTER, RACES TO CATCH UP TO RAY IN TIME TO HEAR ALLY.

ROBERT

No, you can’t! You can’t move!

ALLY (SCAMPERING OFF)

I don’t know any of these people!

ROBERT GRABS RAYMOND AND PULLS HIM ASIDE AS AMY CATCHES UP AND SIMILARLY GRABS DEBRA.

ROBERT

Ray, you can’t take that job! You’ve got to stay in New York!

RAY

What? I told you -- I don’t know what I’m doing. Why all the excitement -- Oh! I get it! Dad’s workin’ Plan B on you, isn’t he?

ROBERT

Ray, he wants us to move into your house. He wants to hang out and watch “Gunsmoke.” You can’t leave me alone with him. I’ll. . . I’ll match any offer.

AMY

And, Debra, my God, the things Marie said. She has all these . . . plans.

RAY (BRIGHTENING)

OK, so what you’re telling us is: If we move to Chicago, Dad will be barging into YOUR house--

DEBRA

-- teaching YOUR kids dirty limericks --

RAY

-- while Ma disinfects YOUR kitchen --

DEBRA

-- and adds fat to all of YOUR meals --

RAY

-- while we relax by the lake and live out our lives in a veritable Fortress of Solitude.

DEBRA

Yeah, well, you’ve really given us some food for thought there.

A WHISTLE BLOWS TO BEGIN THE SECOND HALF. RAY LAUNCHES INTO A NEW CHEER, TO THE TUNE OF ‘WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS’

RAY

We are the Squirrels, my friend -- And we’ll keep on . . . storing nuts till the end. Doo, doo, doo --

AS RAY AND DEBRA SKIP AWAY, LEAVING LONGFACED AMY AND ROBERT IN THEIR WAKE, WE. . .

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE F

INT. RAY AND DEBRA’S KITCHEN - NEXT DAY (SUNDAY)

(Ray, Debra, Ally, Robert, Frank, Marie)

DEBRA IS READING A MAGAZINE WITH ALLY. RAY POPS UPSTAIRS FROM HIS OFFICE TO GRAB A DRINK OF WATER AND INTERRUPTS THEIR CONVERSATION.

DEBRA

So, honey, you see, Gallant brushes and flosses his teeth every night and he gets an apple from the dentist. But Goofus never brushes and, look, he’s getting a mouthful of braces.

RAY

Yeah, Gallant looks pretty good now, but wait’ll next month, when Goofus gets him on the football field and knocks all those pretty teeth right out.

DEBRA

Ray!

RAY

I’m just saying, don’t bet on the wrong horse in this race. . . Gallant thinks he’s so great. He’ll get his!

DEBRA (TO ALLY)

Hey, honey, why don't you go see how the twins are doing with their coloring?

ALLY

OK, Mommy.

ALLY RUNS UPSTAIRS.

DEBRA

How do you think the kids would take it if we moved to Chicago?

RAY

I don’t know. They’d probably miss their grandparents -- they don’t know any better.

DEBRA JOINS RAY ON THE COUCH.

DEBRA

Ray, tell me something.

RAY

What?

DEBRA

Marty has made you an offer, a great offer, but you honestly think you’d be better off not taking it?

RAY

Yeah, well, like I said, to move the kids halfway across the country for something that may not even pan out, it’s a big risk.

DEBRA

That’s what I’m talking about, Ray -- Why not take the risk? Why NOT risk this house? Why NOT risk living without the security blanket of having your parents next door. . . That old,

loud, filthy security blanket. . .

RAY

Yeah, well, you know, we don’t really have it so bad here.

DEBRA

No, we don’t. But we’ve got to be open to new

things, new opportunities.

RAY

Oh, OK, now I understand . . . You’ve been watching the women’s network and now you’re feeling all . . . empowered. OK, you dress up in Saran Wrap, I’ll go run a bath --

DEBRA

I’m serious! We’re still young, we have savings, we can DO anything we want to! I want you to know that I’ll support you if you want to try something different, whether it’s this job, another job, or even a whole new career. And I need to know that you’re open to change.
RAY

Yeah, alright, I hear you. I’ll be . . . open, OK? When I talk to Marty tomorrow, I’ll tell him that we’re open to talking about the job.

DEBRA

Even if it means moving away from your parents?

FRANK AND MARIE BARGE IN THROUGH THE KITCHEN. FRANK IS WEARING A CUBS CAP.

FRANK

OK, Robert says he won’t take the house, so we’re moving to Plan C: If you go to Chicago, we’re coming, too. Go Cubs!

RAY

OK, you start driving. We’ll be right behind you.

THE PHONE RINGS AND RAY PICKS IT UP.

RAY

Hello! . . . Hey, yeah, howwwwwwl to you, too, Marty.

DEBRA, FRANK, AND MARIE HUSH AND LISTEN IN.

RAY (CONT’D)

Yeah, yeah, it’s all we’ve been talking about over here. . . What? . . . The money men pulled the plug? Oh, hey, that’s rough, man. . . No, you don’t have to explain venture capital to me -- VC, AOL, YMCA, I keep up. . . Yeah, I’ve got a great gig here, sure . . . right -- and all that free baby-sitting with the parents across the street. That does sound like a good thing, doesn’t it? . . . OK, give my best to the pack. . . No, you da man! . . . How can I possibly be the man when you da man!

DEBRA

He’s not the man?

RAY

He’s not the man.

MARIE

Well, I never trusted that Dracula character.

RAY

Wolfman, Wolfman . . .

FRANK

Whatever. Crisis over.

HE WHIPS OFF THE CUBS CAP AND THROWS IT TO RAYMOND, CATCHING HIM BY SURPRISE.

FRANK (CONT’D)

My cable’s back and it’s almost time for “Maverick.” Mrs. O’Leary, get out from under that cow and fix me some bratwurst!

MARIE

What cow, Frank?

FRANK

I don’t know, I was saving it for Chicago, I figured I should get it in sometime.

MARIE LEADS FRANK OUT THE FRONT DOOR. BEFORE HE CLOSES THE DOOR, FRANK TURNS BACK TO RAY.

FRANK

So, good, you’re staying.

RAY

Yeah, Dad, we’re staying.

FRANK

Good, good. . . (THEN, CATCHING HIMSELF OUT OF CHARACTER) . . . because if you were gone, your

mother would be all day cryin’ over those old

pictures of you in your overalls tryin’ to change light bulbs.

DEBRA

I knew it!

FRANK

Yeah, this kid was lucky he could change his socks without getting a nosebleed!

DEBRA CROSSES TO RAY AND HUGS HIM AS FRANK WALKS OUT.

RAY

I’m open to changing the locks is what I’m open

to. . .

DEBRA GIVES HIM A KISS.

DEBRA

Would you do it in your cute little overalls?

RAY

Yeah, yeah, very funny. But I really mean it, you know, about being open to change. In fact --

HE CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND GRABS PAD AND PAPER.

RAY (CONT’D)

-- I’m going to draw a figure on a piece of paper, and you let me know if you’re interested

in the offer. . .

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

INT. FRANK AND MARIE’S KITCHEN - MORNING, NEXT DAY

(Ray, Marie, Robert)

RAY ENTERS MARIE’S KITCHEN ON HIS WAY TO WORK. MARIE HANDS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE.

MARIE

Here you are, Raymond.

RAY

Thanks, Ma.

RAY LOOKS AT THE COFFEE.

RAY (CONT’D)

What, are you out of milk today?

MARIE

Well, there’s just a drop left. I’m saving it for Robby.

RAY

What? But. . . I like milk in my coffee, too.

HE SPIES A PLATE ON THE COUNTERTOP.

RAY

Wow, chocolate-chip cookies? Great, lemme at ’em.

MARIE SLAPS HIS HAND.

MARIE

No, Raymond! I made those for Robby.

RAY

OK, hold on a second. What’s going on here?

AT THAT, ROBERT WALKS IN THE KITCHEN IN HIS POLICE UNIFORM. MARIE POURS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE, THEN TAKES A CARTON OF MILK OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR, POURS THE LAST DROP IN HIS CUP, AND THROWS THE CARTON AWAY.

ROBERT

Thank you, Ma. Good morning, Raymond.

ROBERT CROSSES TO THE COUNTER, GRABS A COOKIE AND DIGS IN. RAY

Alright, that’s enough. What gives? Why is he getting milk and cookies and I’m getting nothing?

ROBERT

What’s the matter, Ray? Plan B not working out for you?

RAY

Oh, my God -- It’s “All About Robert”!

ROBERT

I do like the sound of that. . .

FADE OUT:

END